2007 – Page 9 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Sex Toy 2

September 13, 2007 by onezero

If you have been reading this blog for awhile, then you may remember that I came across an item that I initially thought was some kind of weirded out Hello Kitty sex toy, but ultimately ended up being something else. You can imagine my surprise when this arrived in the mail:

I must admit that my mind did travel there again for a split second (hey, I’m a guy), but I did fully recover before blurting out something that likely would have put me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag.

At least I feel much better these days about previously being ignorant to what these really are. We had friends stop by and while my wife’s girlfriend new exactly what they were and picked them up (they were sitting on the table after she had just unpacked them), her husband almost had a Hello Kitty heart attack – an expression that I remember crossing my face the first time I saw them. It’s not often that Hello Kitty Hell makes me laugh, but I did have to let out a smile at that…

Hello Kitty Devoted Boyfriend

September 12, 2007 by onezero

Even though I specifically say not to email where to find Hello Kitty items, I still receive emails asking me where to find them. This has lead me to several theories. 1) Hello Kitty fanatics can’t read. 2) Hello Kitty fanatics don’t understand the meaning of the words “I’m not going to tell you.” 3) Hello Kitty fanatics believe that they are more of a Hello Kitty fanatic than every other Hello Kitty fanatic and therefore the rules that apply to normal Hello Kitty fanatics don’t apply to them. So despite me explicitly saying that I will not tell and that they should not email me, they still do. Here is the latest email I received:

I’m going to be forward with you. I realize that you don’t provide the whereabouts of your featured merchandise, but I’m going to try to convince you, in this isolated instance, to reconsider your position. Allow me to explain.

1. I do not know why you feel the need to stand as the unmoving guardian of the fine products you display. Perhaps it is genuine hatred of Hello Kitty and her “fanatics.” However, I think not. The idea that someone would erect, and maintain, a site dedicated to the thing they hate most in life, and that the site would so closely detail and celebrate said thing, is not alone preposterous. It is not uncommon to come across blogs dedicated to the demise of various celebrities, or whatever. However, these sites, unlike your own, do not become so comparable to fan sites as to ACTUALLY ATTRACT REAL FANS of the hated “thing.” In fact, I believe in your Hello Kitty Whiners entry you mention that when someone hates something so much that they wish it would disappear, they are more prone to ignore the “thing” than revel in it. I believe your mentality was “If you don’t like my blog, don’t visit it. Dumbass.” Therefore, I believe the blog allows you a vent for your frustration living in a house surrounded by your hated “thing.” Like so many other bloggers, you are frustrated and feel thwarted. If you can ruin someone else’s day by withholding the very thing which frustrates you so, then all the site maintenance and devotion is well worth while.

2. I assume that because you agree to live in a home filled with Hello Kitty paraphernalia you must love your wife very dearly.

3. I do not think you are horrible, evil, or anything of the like because you chose to blog “against” Hello Kitty.

These three points bring me to my request: I am in desperate search of the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium your wife acquired. Please tell me where I can find one.

I will understand if you chose not to accommodate my request. However, I ask you to consider yourself in a situation which I believe you may have literally encountered before. I ask you to consider the one piece of your wife’s collection she has never attained. Think of that one piece which she turns over in her mind like a shining gem, anxiously awaiting the day it will be hers. For my girlfriend, that item is the Hello Kitty USB Aquarium.

Since a young age my girlfriend has had two great loves: Hello Kitty and Mermaids. Because your wife is collector, I do not feel that I need to say more. You will understand completely when I tell you that my girlfriend still has the first Hello Kitty Mermaid item she ever saw, a wrinkled old sticker which she stole off of another girl’s binder in the 6th grade.

I ask you to consider the look on your wife’s face as she unwraps your surprise gift to her, and discovers it is the Hello Kitty item of her dreams. Then imagine the look in her eyes when they meet your own. You, the husband who erected “Hello Kitty Hell” and who, presumably, gives her hell daily about her collection, sought out that one item she herself could never find. Then you managed to get one for her. I want to see that look for I too am the boyfriend who constantly nags about the Hello Kitty (and mermaid) shit EVERYWHERE.

Please consider revising your opinion just this once. Tell me where to find the Hello Kitty USB Mermaid Aquarium.

Thank you,
A devoted boyfriend

Here are some of my thoughts on this email:

1. I have extreme reservations whenever I receive an email like this that it is actually from a boyfriend and not the Hello Kitty fanatic herself because, being a guy, this is not the type of letter a guy writes. It is a letter that a Hello Kitty fanatic would write pretending to be a boyfriend:

A) A boyfriend would write: My girlfriend is driving me nuts so tell me where I can get the %#$@**&^!! thing so 1) I don’t have to listen to any more of this Hello Kitty crap. 2) I can get some tonight instead of sleeping on the couch. 3) I don’t have to buy anything Hello Kitty for another year.

B) Only a Hello Kitty fanatic would feel compelled to write: “I do not think you are horrible, evil, or anything of the like because you chose to blog “against” Hello Kitty.” Why would a Hello Kitty fanatic boyfriend ever think that? A boyfriend of a Hello Kitty fanatic would know that there was no way that I would even consider that he thought I was evil, that I would only have sympathy for him. The only ones that consider me evil and have ever written that to me are Hello Kitty fanatics, so to stress (or to even mention, for that matter) that the writer doesn’t think that I’m evil would only come from someone who might actually think that I was – a Hello Kitty fanatic.

C) Guys don’t shout in the middle of explanations with capital letters, Hello Kitty fanatics do.

D) Guys don’t have email addresses with words like “green tea” in them.

These are the points that quickly tipped me off that this really wasn’t a boyfriend writing, but a Hello Kitty fanatic attempting to make me believe that she was a boyfriend in hopes this would result in more sympathy from me (see the lengths that Hello Kitty fanatics go to try and find the Hello Kitty crap they want). I’m sure there are many others if I was willing to take the time to read it more thoroughly…

2. Hello Kitty fanatics think that I’m holding some secret knowledge from them of where to get these things. I honestly don’t know. Further more, I could care less where they come from (although I do wish they wouldn’t all end up in our house). Yes, it is true that if I really wanted to find out, I could take the time and make the effort to talk to my wife and find out where to get them. I don’t do this because 1) I have no desire to spend my free time doing this. 2) While Hello Kitty fanatics think that doing so would be a nice favor, I see it as a disservice to all mankind. 3) It would encourage my wife into thinking that I cared about Hello Kitty and as you can already tell, she doesn’t need any encouragement in that department.

3. It is the true irony of Hello Kitty Hell that Hello Kitty fanatics like this blog. It just shows that their fanaticism is so great that even when someone makes fun of the things they want to buy and they should be offended and walk away, they can’t because it is something that they want so much they keep coming back.

4. Only a Hello Kitty fanatic could write this sentence: “If you can ruin someone else’s day by withholding the very thing which frustrates you so, then all the site maintenance and devotion is well worth while.” I have no desire to ruin anyone’s day. I’m a pretty positive guy which I think shows in that I’m still alive and haven’t committed suicide living in the Hello Kitty Hell that I do. Anyone who is not a Hello Kitty fanatic would not even comprehend that by not telling someone where they can buy something Hello kitty could ruin that person’s day. When your happiness depends on whether or not you can get a Sanrio character item, then you have moved beyond the comprehension of all normal people.

5. If I am wrong and you are truly the boyfriend of a Hello Kitty fanatic (highly doubtful), I am doing you a huge favor. If you manage to track down this item for your girlfriend, she will expect you to track down every Hello Kitty item that she wants in the future. See, with Hello Kitty fanaticism, it never stops. There is never a last item. Sanrio will never run out of stuff to Hello Kittify because they are willing to Hello Kittify anything and everything. Your girlfriend won’t be disappointed if you can’t give this to her because she never expected that you could find it in the first place since she couldn’t find it herself. By not getting it you will not be beholden to find new Hello Kitty stuff in the future without suffering any consequences for not getting it for her. You’re welcome.

Hello Kitty Digital Camera – Fuji Film FinePix Z5

September 11, 2007 by onezero

It didn’t take long for my wife to find something to match her hideously Hello Kitty pimped out cell phone that she is trying to convince me that I need because it comes with a “blog” function (whatever that means, but it is how they are advertising it) and since I write this blog about Hello Kitty (even though it’s anti Hello Kitty) my wife thinks it would be a good idea if I used this Hello Kitty digital camera (Fuji Film FinePix Z5) to take photos for this blog:

Of course, the actual quality of the camera is of secondary importance to my wife. She just cares that it has Hello Kitty on the front made from Swarovski crystal beads and that the Z5 lights up in the dark. Nor does it bother her that it costs just over $500 (57,750 yen) as long as Hello Kitty adorns the outside.

Hello Kitty Hell will certainly reach a new level if I have to travel around Japan taking photos for my blogs with this camera bling…

Hello Kitty Yoga Mat

September 10, 2007 by onezero

I should know by now that there is no such thing as a normal conversation when you live in Hello Kitty Hell. If the conversation has anything to do with something that might be needed, I will find it at our doorstep a week later in all its Hello Kittiness. That is how the Hello Kitty yoga mat arrived:

This is the conversation that lead to the arrival of the Hello Kitty yoga mat:

wife: “Isn’t that uncomfortable?”

me: (doing stretches for my back) “Not really. It’s not too hard here”

wife: “But wouldn’t it be more comfortable with a mat?”

me: “Maybe, but it doesn’t seem worth the trouble of buying one. It’s not that bad.”

wife: “hmmmmm”

That was the entire conversation. Now that I think back on it, I should have known that something Hello Kitty Hellish would take place. When my wife says, “hmmmmm” it means she’s thinking and when she is thinking, that invariably means it has something to do with Hello Kitty. Of course, when I saw it, my initial reaction was:

me: “Honey, what’s that?” (thinking: “wtf is going on here?”)

wife: “It’s the workout mat you wanted.” (no tone of sarcasm at all – as if this is what I had truly requested)

me: “I didn’t say I wanted a workout mat…” (thinking: “did I say I wanted a workout mat?”)

wife: “Sure you did.” (still smiling)

me: “No, I think I said that I was just fine…” (still thinking: “did I say I wanted a workout mat?”)

wife: “You said it would be more comfortable with a mat, so I bought you a mat. Don’t you like it?”

me: “It’s fine, but…” (thinking: “uh oh, this is not a good turn in the conversation”)

wife: “But???” (her tone raising to the Hello Kitty Hellish level)

me: “but… but… (thinking hard how to escape without having to spend the night on the couch in the Hello kitty sleeping bag)…I don’t think Hello Kitty would appreciate me sweating all over her. (thinking: whew, that was a close one and a damn good come back if I do say so myself)

wife: “You can exercise, but you can’t sweat on Hello Kitty.” (in a stern voice as an order)

me: “Umm, then I can’t use the mat because I sweat when I exercise.” (thinking: cool, I’m getting out of this one)

wife: “You can only use it when you stretch. When you do your sit-ups, you can’t use it.”

me: “Then why do I need the mat at all? (thinking: “oops, that shouldn’t have slipped out…this is going to mean trouble…”)

wife: (raising the Hello Kitty Hell eyebrow and using the Hello Kitty Hell voice of question) “You don’t appreciate that I got this for your health?”

me: “No, I greatly appreciate it…” (backpedaling as quickly as possible thinking: “this is not going to end well”)

wife: “Good. Then you can use it for stretching, but not for exercise. And you may want to use it under the Hello Kitty sleeping bag as well” (as she pointed toward the closet)

So now I must use the Hello Kitty yoga mat for my daily stretching (or face the Hello Kitty Hell wrath of why I am not using it since my wife bought it for me), but can’t use it when I’m doing my exercises (when I really need it the most). I know that doesn’t make sense, but it does in Hello Kitty Hell. I can also tell you there is nothing less manly than doing stretches on a Hello Kitty yoga mat. And so Hello Kitty Hell continues…

Hello Kitty iPod Earphone Charms

September 8, 2007 by onezero

We have already established that Hello Kitty will Hello Kittify virtually everything even to the point of creating the most useless Hello Kitty product ever. Of course, having invented the most useless product ever, she couldn’t stop there and had to try and outdo herself. Thus, we have the Hello Kitty earphone charms:

Taking this to the next logical step (at least for Sanrio and Hello Kitty fans) we should be seeing an accessory for the Hello Kitty earphone charms in the not too distant future (you know, while you just shook your head at the complete stupidity of that last sentence, someone at Sanrio just took it and is now making a presentation on what a great idea it is and telling their boss that even further down the road they can make Hello Kitty accessories for the Hello Kitty accessories, for the Hello Kitty earphone charms).

Of course, my wife thinks it’s a brilliant idea (would you expect anything else?) Yet another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Skull Bow Tattoo

September 7, 2007 by onezero

There are Hello Kitty tattoos. There are Hello Kitty combination tattoos. There are Hello Kitty tattoos on dogs, above breasts and in the form of zombies. What these all had in common was that they were tattooed onto Hello Kitty fanatics of the female persuasion. Apparently there are also men that feel a permanent etching of Hello Kitty on their skin is an appropriate sign of affection for this feline monstrosity:

Now that my wife knows that a man is willing to get a Hello Kitty tattoo, she has begun to think that I should also be willing to get one. “Honey, don’t you think you’d look absolutely charming with a Hello Kitty tattoo that matches mine?” I’m relating much too closely to how that tattooed dog must have felt and things can’t get much more Hello Kitty Hellish than that…

Sent in by Scott, who should have to get his own Hello Kitty tattoo (actually multiple Hello Kitty tattoos) for giving my wife one of the worst Hello Kitty Hell ideas she has ever had

Hello Kitty Vitamins

September 6, 2007 by onezero

Okay, if you are walking down the store aisle and looking for a multi vitamin, would you pick Hello Kitty brand?

Whenever I see these, I just have to shake my head in wonderment why anyone would purchase them (except for my wife, of course, but that should be quite obvious by now) Maybe it’s the fact that 99% of Hello Kitty food is 100% sugar which should lead anyone with common sense (we already know that Hello Kitty fanatics are disqualified here) to conclude that even the vitamins are bad for you.

Of course, my wife loves these because “Hello Kitty brings you lots of energy and healthiness from the inside to go along with the love and happiness she brings when you see her.” The only satisfaction I get is when I chew the hell out of them before swallowing which is the only type of satisfaction one can really get when living in Hello Kitty Hell. Still, it gives me great pause having Hello Kitty working her way through my blood stream to give me the ~~sugar fix~~ vitamins I supposedly need.

It’s bad enough that I have to see her covering every inch of the house, but listening to my wife my wife tell me how much Hello Kitty is helping to sustain my life as she watches me take the vitamins (I think she secretly knows I would spit them out when not looking if she didn’t) with a Hello Kitty Hell grin of satisfaction on her face. Yet another sad example of the Hello Kitty Hell I live in…

Thanks to numerous readers for the chewable variety and Lucy x for the gummy variety – you should all have to take these every day for reminding my wife to continue to order these on a consistent basis…

Hello Kitty Psycho Test 2

September 4, 2007 by onezero

I’m sure there is some underlining reason why Sanrio labels it’s tests as “psycho” in their URLs (hint to Hello Kitty fanatics, it’s a not so subtle message to you). Whatever the reason, Hello Kitty couldn’t stop at just one psycho test, so here is another:

Hello Kitty Speculative Fiction Psychology Test

My theory is Hello Kitty ~~psycho~~ psychology tests all tell you that you are depressed so that you have a reason to buy Hello Kitty to make you happy. At least Hello Kitty thinks I’m depressed (note: spelling and grammar are Hello kitty’s, not mine) :

You often look down on yourself.

You feel bad about your personality. In another word, you only see your shortcomings and ignore or your advantages. If you must expose your inner self in front of others, you find that very hard to do, and you would hate yourself. But actually, if you look from another angel, your shortcomings could be your advantages instead. For example, you think you get mad easily, but actually that’s because you are very sincere and you don’t hesitate to show your emotions. If you think you are weak, others probably think you are very gentle and understanding. You must look at your personality from another positive angle and be nice to yourself.

Of course, my wife sees this as yet more proof that my life is depressing because I don’t accept Hello Kitty as my savior. I blame it on having to listen to the Hello Kitty theme song 24 hours a day over her new Hello Kitty speakers. Either way, it confirms that I’m living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Compact Computer / iPod Speakers

September 4, 2007 by onezero

Because Hello Kitty has never seen a gadget that she doesn’t love to Hello Kittify, this arrived at our house today in the mail – the Hello Kitty compact speakers:

Of course my wife already has Hello Kitty speakers, but these speakers can be used for all the devices she has. It has a USB cord for the computer and also can be hooked into CD and MP3 players including her Hello Kitty iPod.

It took all of 2 seconds before she had to try it out on all the gadgets it would work with (my Hello Kitty Hell question of the day is that if Hello Kitty can have so many damn electronic gadgets, why does she have only one totally annoying theme song that gets played on all of them?) which once again confirmed that it doesn’t matter what speakers one uses, the Hello Kitty theme song will always be irritating enough to make anyone listening consider committing suicide.

Another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Checks

September 3, 2007 by onezero

Even though we live in Japan where checks are not accepted, my wife had to have these (surprise, surprise).

Even worse, when we move back to the US, I will likely be forced to use these patterns (mental note to self: don’t ask wife to order checks for me). I can already imagine how manly I’m going to look going up to the store check-out register and whipping out my Hello Kitty checks…a toss up between that and using the Hello Kitty credit card…

Thanks to CH Hair Fan who really should be forced to use these checks for the rest of her life for bringing them to my wife’s attention