2008 – Page 18 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Hat – Photo of Horror 2

January 21, 2008 by onezero

As if the Hello Kitty photo of horror wasn’t enough to show the pain that the significant other of Hello Kitty fanatics must endure (see, if you don’t have a Hello Kitty fanatic in your life, you may have made the terrible assumption that taking a photo like that was reserved for only special times such as a trip to Puroland), here are some more photos sent to me showing how Hello Kitty fanatics are willing to make their husbands wear Hello Kitty head gear just because they think it’s cute.

You know that terrified look that wild animals get when they are trapped and know that death is just around the corner? That is the look in this guy’s eyes. Shifting off to the side with a last second hope that there may be some type of escape only to realize that his life is trapped in Hello Kitty Hell and there is no escape. Unfortunately, I know the feeling and recognize the panicked look all too well.

It once again goes to show that Hello Kitty fanatics have no clue of the torture they administer to their significant others. This look of terror is “cute’ in The Hello Kitty fanatic’s eyes, and they somehow convince themselves that he is actually enjoying himself. Then they take it a step further and send the photos to a blog like mine where they get posted to humiliate the man even further.

Worse, my wife then wants to know why I am not willing to do such things when other husbands will. This ultimately leads my wife to attempt to get me to do so, and me eventually spending the night on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag.

Actually posting these photos was quite a dilemma. To do so is instant humiliation for the poor guy, and I know that he will not be able to leave his home for the next month due to embarrassment. At the same time, nobody would believe this actually takes place if I don’t (seriously, would anyone in their right mind think that dressing a man in a Hello Kitty hat would be a positive event in any way, shape or form and that people actually do it without photo proof?). I do need to send out a big “thank you” to him for taking another one for the Hello Kitty Hell team…

Sent in by Kelly, who deserves a special kind of Hell for 1) thinking it was a good idea to do this to her husband 2) thinking it was a good idea to take photos of the event 3) thinking it was a good idea to send the photos to me…

Hello Kitty Psycho Test 3

January 20, 2008 by onezero

In the third installment of the appropriately named Hello Kitty Psycho Test (refer to psycho tests one and psycho test two), Hello Kitty once again delves into my mind to spew out my inner thoughts by asking me which magical mushroom I think is poisonous (which certainly would pin down my psychological standing) while ~~flipping me off~~ sucking her finger in contemplation of my psychological make up. See for yourself: Hello Kitty “Fill In The Blanks” Psychological Test

Here are my results (grammar comes directly from Hello Kitty):

Basically You Could Be Stressful Easily

Luckily you are a straightforward person always voice your concerns. Some of the stress would then be released. Watch your mouth since you possibly over-expressed which would cause others unhappy.

Then stress comes back to you again. For this type try aromatherapy will calm you down.

It seems that aromatherapy is the answer to all my ills. Why do I have a feeling that there is a Hello Kitty aroma therapy kit that will be just perfect for this waiting at the local store? And now that my wife knows that Hello Kitty has recommended aromatherapy to calm me, it’s just a matter of time before it shows up here and I take another step deeper into Hello Kitty Hell…

Send in by mandy who should have to live her life in strict adherence to the advice of these psycho tests for even the thought that it would be a good idea to send this to me to see…

Hello Kitty Edible Fruit Bouquet

January 19, 2008 by onezero

Just one more indication that Hello Kitty fans can’t leave even a bad idea alone. I was already cringing at the Hello Kitty flower bouquets, but there was no way that the evil feline would stop at that. Instead, she morphed the bouquet from flowers to fruit creating a Hello Kitty edible fruit bouquet:

Yes, those are Hello Kitty pineapple shapes which again takes another bad idea (Hello Kitty Fruit) and takes it to another level by making it into the evil feline’s image. I’m sure if one of these ever arrives at our house, I will have to weigh whether it’s simply better to trash it immediately or first violently bite Hello Kitty’s head off, both of which would likely relegate me to the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag for a long period of time.

Even worse, it all comes in a keepsake tin so that you have to remember the horrifying experience every time I see it (there is something about these keepsakes that Hello Kitty fanatics absolutely love which of course only deepens the Hello Kitty Hell pit).

Of course, my wife loves it and thinks that it’s a brilliant idea. “Who wouldn’t want to receive a fruit basket filled with Hello Kitty?” which pretty much means I’m going to have to face this monstrosity at some point in the future. Just one more thing to look forward to in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Mike who should have to eat all his food in the shape of Hello Kitty for even having the notion that sending this to me would be a good idea…

Update: Worse than these actually existing is that some people think it’s a good idea to purchase them and give as a gift:

Sent in by Caitlin

Hello Kitty Assault Rifle (update)

January 18, 2008 by onezero

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

There are far too many readers of this blog that have way too much time on their hands if the amount of people who sent me photos of the Hello Kitty AR-15 assault rifle (which I mentioned previously) is any indication. Apparently a lot of people thought it was a photoshop job, so to prove it wasn’t he took photos of it with his wife using it at the firing range.

No doubt that the military will be carrying these around soon. Seriously, I can’t think of anything more terrifying?

Sent in by 27 different readers (including the owner of riflegear), all of whom should have the wrath of Hello Kitty Hell fall down upon them for even thinking for a split second that it would be wise to send me this photo…

Update: A smiling Hello Kitty fanatic with an assault rifle really should be the definition of “scary” for the dictionary…

Sent in by prlemph

Hello Kitty Hot and Sexy

January 17, 2008 by onezero

I’ve grown used to getting email from Hello Kitty fans that take issue with my disgust of Hello Kitty to the point that they even wish death upon me, but this email was a change of pace. It is the first time I have received an email telling me that I don’t appreciate the “sexiness” and “hotness” of Hello Kitty:

in your hello kitty daze of hate, you fail to realize that hello kitty is the sexiest thing ever. there is nothing hotter than a girl dressed in only a hello kitty t-shirt and panties. Check these out!! hello kitty in all her sexiness. there is no way that you can say you hate hello kitty after seeing these!!

Here are the photos attached with the email:

Despite the urgings of the email, I still found myself in the bathroom relieving myself of caloric intake from the afternoon meal. There is something very wrong when Hello Kitty and sex appeal mix that should be obvious, but apparently some people don’t see. Furthermore, if it is Hello Kitty that is turning you on and not the woman herself, then you have created your own Hello Kitty Hell.

But in all fairness, I will let the readers judge since I do live in Hello Kitty Hell which does tend to warp perceptions when everything comes to you in shades of pink. Do these photos, because of the Hello Kitty theme, mean that Hello Kitty doesn’t have to be Hell or is this simply another attempt by the evil feline to brainwash every last soul into thinking that there can be times when Hello Kitty “isn’t all that bad?”

Sent in by greg who deserves to spend his life with a Hello Kitty fanatic for thinking that sending me these photos would be a good idea or that they would somehow relieve me from Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Darth Vader Tattoo

January 16, 2008 by onezero

It was bound to happen because, as regular readers well know, this is Hello Kitty Hell and that means there is no limit when it comes to Hello Kittification. It also means that common decency is suspended and the sacrilege event of mixing Hello Kitty with other pop culture icons –which should not happen in the worst of nightmares — is common place. With a Hello Kitty Darth Vader and a Hello Kitty stormtrooper tattoo already in existence, it was only a matter of time before the Hello Kitty Darth Vader tattoo would appear:

There isn’t a lot more to say about this other than it’s wrong…just completely wrong…which, when you think about it, pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell in its entirety…

Sent in by tattoo artist Brian from Youngstown, Ohio (via a painting from Nick) who once again deserves the worst of the worst (and possibly a Hello Kitty tattoo of his own) for thinking in any way, shape, or form that sending this to me was a good idea…

Hello Kitty Counter-Strike

January 15, 2008 by onezero

It seems that Hello Kitty is not satisfied with having her presence only in World of Warcraft. She also feels it’s necessary to be a part of other shooter games such as Counter-Strike:

While my wife has no interest in computer games, she knows that I do so she makes the assumption that if Hello Kitty is somehow connected with computer games, it will help me enjoy Hello Kitty (fall under her evil spell). There is something just so wrong with going onto your computer to play a shooting game and finding a Pepto Bismol pink screen with Hello Kitty all over it. It’s seriously worse than all the blood and guts (at least a lot more nauseating…) and never a good omen In Hello Kitty Hell to find that there is one less place to escape the evil feline…

Sent in by PubliusCanis (via fps banana) who should have to play all his shooter games with Hello Kitty themes for even thinking for a split second that sending this to me would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Toilet Paper Storage Cabinet

January 14, 2008 by onezero

One would assume that once you have Hello Kitty toilet paper, and a Hello Kitty electronic toilet paper dispenser, you have pretty much covered all the toilet paper Hello Kittification that you can, but remembering that this is Hello Kitty Hell, there is always something else to place the evil feline on. Thus the bright minds at Sanrio decided that there should be a Hello Kitty toilet paper storage cabinet:

That’s right. Hello Kitty demands that toilet paper be stored in it’s own, specially designed Hello Kitty themed toilet paper cabinet. It really doesn’t matter that toilet paper cabinets don’t exist or that there really isn’t a reason anyone would need one, but inventing useless items with Hello Kitty on them has never been an issue in the past, so I suppose it makes no sense that they would stop doing so now.

What I do find amusing is that Hello Kitty toilet paper wasn’t used in the photo. Knowing my wife, I imagine that Sanrio wanted to use it, but when they went to try, none of the fanatics that had purchased it were willing to actually unwrap the rolls and ruin their collection (refer to my own experience on this). There must have been a lot of screaming and yelling as to why each person’s precious toilet paper collection couldn’t be sacrificed for the photo. It probably made a hockey fight look like two lovers holding hands strolling down a flower lined lane in comparison, After a lot of blood and guts, they simply decided that plain white toilet paper had to do.

Of course, my wife thinks it would be a great addition to our interior (despite the fact that there is absolutely no place in our bathroom where something like this would fit, but again, small facts like that have never stopped purchases in the past). I know that Hello Kitty Hell is getting bad when I look at this and say to myself that on the scale of things, a completely useless object that will only get in the way and cost far too much isn’t nearly as bad as it could be…

Hello Kitty Wedding Cake

January 12, 2008 by onezero

What is it about Hello Kitty fanatics and weddings? There is something about the two together that bring out the worst in a Hello Kitty fanatic as can be plainly seen in any type of Hello Kitty wedding. This is one area that still brings fear to the forefront since we didn’t have a Hello Kitty wedding and my wife feels that she somehow missed something by not (thankfully, we got married long before the Hello Kitty fanaticism began) having one. But that yearning on my wife’s side to have a Hello Kitty anniversary wedding keeps popping up every time something like a Hello Kitty wedding cake ends up in my email box:

There is nothing that says doom and terror more for a groom than having to cut and serve your guests something like that on your wedding day. I have no doubt upon seeing that cake that there is another man that has every right to be a guest writer on this blog and he deserves to have the pity of men worldwide for the torture he is suffering.

Of course, my wife thinks it’s “absolutely adorable” and I distinctly heard the words “we should get one like that when we have our anniversary we…” at which point I slammed the door on my hand and screamed in pain because I calculated it would be infinitely less painful to do that than hearing the rest of the sentence. Unfortunately, it was probably only a temporary solution to the problem so I have a feeling that my extremities are going to be quite black and blue this coming week which seems to be a minor price to pay considering the alternative when living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Mitzi who should only be able to eat that for the rest of her life for contemplating even for a second that it was a good idea to send me this photo…

Hello Kitty Toilet Sign

January 11, 2008 by onezero

What is it about Hello Kitty and toilets? She has a whole line of Hello Kitty toilet paper and while it really didn’t surprise me that there was a Hello Kitty toilet, the Hello Kitty urinal target and Hello Kitty electronic toilet paper dispenser simply confirmed that the evil feline likes her face everywhere. Then, of course, there is our disaster of a bathroom. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that there are also Hello Kitty (and Dear Daniel) toilet signs:

As a man, the Hello Kittification of my bodily functions is extremely disturbing. No matter what remedies Hello Kitty tries, it’s never going to be “cute” and there’s really no reason to pretend it ever could be. Of course, my wife doesn’t believe that for a second (but then the Japanese have buttons on their toilets that make a flushing noise so that you can’t hear bodily functions as well – it won’t surprise me if the Hello Kitty theme song replaces these flushing noises someday).

It’s bad enough (and obviously a sign that there’s something terribly wrong in the world) when a man can’t sit down to take a dump without Hello Kitty all around, but now we actually have Hello Kitty telling us where to do so…which pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by deniz and brightspring, both of who should have to live with Hello Kitty bathrooms as bad as mine for the rest of their lives for even considering it would be a good idea to send me these photos…