Strange

Hello Kitty Is Loved By Drug Lords

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Why does this seem so appropriate to me?

Hello Kitty, the Japanese cartoon figure popular with teenagers around the world, was used by a notorious Colombian drug lord to hide messages to his minions, according to a report Monday.

Juan Carlos Ramirez Abadia, who is being held in Brazil after his arrest in August, hid voice and text messages digitally encoded into e-mailed images of the innocent feline, Brazilian police told the Folha de Sao Paulo newspaper.

Investigators say the disguised missives, hundreds of which were found on Abadia’s computer, could put the narcotics kingpin up to his neck in Kitty litter as some of them allegedly detail cocaine shipments between countries…

Abadia apparently picked Hello Kitty as his courier because his wife was a big fan of the Japanese icon — she had even decorated one of her rooms in a Brazilian house with Hello Kitty-themed chairs, watches and wallpaper.

Using Hello Kitty to help run a worldwide drug trafficking operation puts into perspective the real Hello Kitty and makes perfect sense. In fact, I would not be surprised if Sanrio sanctioned this because they felt that drug trafficking was becoming more popular than Hello Kitty and wanted in on the action (as they seem to do with anything else that has even the slightest bit of popularity).

The only bad part of this whole incident is that last paragraph highlighted in bold — I think he has a good insanity defense that will probably get him off…

full article

Hello Kitty Rocks!

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It’s all right. Settle down and catch your breath. I know you read that headline and just about had a heart attack thinking that I had finally completely lost it. I’m sure you pictured me having been taken away in a Hello Kitty straight jacket to spend the rest of my life knocking my head against Hello Kitty themed padded walls (which is undoubtedly coming soon). No, in reality you once again failed to realize the utterly ridiculous levels Hello Kitty will go to sell her image. The headline is unfortunately literally accurate — The evil feline is now selling hand painted rocks that are done in her image:

Hello Kitty stones

Just when you believe that Sanrio can’t possible think of a more completely useless product than the Hello Kitty banana cover, they go and do this. Can Hello Kitty dirt be far behind? Or possibly a Hello Kitty slingshot to add to the ever growing arsenal of Hello Kitty weapons.

Of course, my wife absolutely loves these. Upon seeing them, the ever present “this is so cute” came with an overly elongated “soooooo” that is a unbreakable secret code that Hello Kitty fanatics use to determine exactly where in the overall scheme of Hello Kitty each product ranks.

You know how this came about. Someone at Sanrio said, “Hey, remember years ago when the pet rock was all the rage? Why don’t we make a Hello Kitty pet rock?” Now, at any other corporation in the world, that person would have been fired the next day, but in the world of Hello Kitty, that person has been promoted to a management position. Which simply means that more stuff like this will continue to flood the market for Hello Kitty fanatics and continue to move my Hello Kitty Hell to new depths…

Sent in by Adora who deserves to have to spend her life painting rocks in the image of Hello Kitty and then have them thrown at her for thinking that sending this to me could be a good idea in any way, shape or form.

Update: Apparently the evil feline didn’t feel that painted rocks were enough and found a way to put her likeness into a natural Hello Kitty stone:

hello kitty rock

Left by @chefpandita on Twitter

Hello Kitty Face Mask

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I don’t get colds. I refuse. I take extra precautions to the point of obsession. This has absolutely nothing to do with fear of germs or being compulsive about cleanliness, but every thing to do with the torture and humiliation I have to endure if I do ever catch a cold.

Thus is was with great regret that I actually caught my first cold in years this past week which basically is the worst thing that can happen in the world if you live in Hello Kitty Hell. It’s not the stuffy nose, sore throat or headache that is bad — those are merely minor symptoms compared to the pain and embarrassment of having to roam around with a Hello Kitty face mask:

Hello Kitty face mask

In Japan, you wear these when you have a cold so that you don’t give your cold to other people. I have absolutely no problem with this concept except when Hello Kitty is plastered on the front of the face mask. It is just so wrong in so many ways when a 6 foot 3 inch foreigner wanders the streets of Japan with a Hello Kitty face mask on and it isn’t only me that sees it this way. You can see the sheer terror in the eyes of the Japanese when they see me, undoubtedly believing that I’m going to hack them to pieces at any moment because that is the type of crazy foreigner that would actually wear a Hello Kitty face mask.

My wife, of course, thinks that it’s the cutest thing ever to the point where she wants to walk around town together with matching Hello Kitty face masks on. She says that it is good practice for when the bird flu arrives and I may have to spend months wearing these Hello Kitty face masks. Somehow dying from the bird flu doesn’t sound all that bad when looking at the alternative of living…

This means that for the next week I have the choice of being cooped up in our house with no escape from the Hello Kitty Hellishness that is somehow still referred to as our house (although it really looks more like the worst pink nightmare that you could ever imagine) or I must venture out to endure the extreme humiliation that would be considered cruel and unusual torture if forced upon any enemy combatants during a time of war. Alas, this is a common dilemma when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Polski Fiat Car

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I have long learned that it is never a good idea to open my email in the morning if I have been drinking the night before. Seeing Hello Kitty emails is bad enough, but viewing Hello Kitty emails with a hangover is just about the worst way to wake up in the morning. Lately, however, just opening the emails with the evil feline inside seems to bring on the same feeling as the worst hangover could. I know for sure that it’s never good to get up in the morning and open up your email to find a Pepto Bismol colored monstrocity like this facing you — the Hello Kitty Polski Fiat:

Hello Kitty Fiat

Hello Kitty Polski Fiat

Hello Kitty Polish Fiat

Hello Kitty Fiat car

Hello Kitty pink Fiat car

Here is the difference between a normal person and a Hello Kitty fanatic. While my head is spinning and I feel an intense headache coming on, the only thing I’m thinking is, “Why in the world would anyone want to ride around in something like that?” At the same moment, my wife is cheery as the sun with a huge smile on her face saying, “That is sooooo cute. Don’t you think we should get something like that?” Of course, all this leads me to believe I should have gotten extremely drunk last night if I’m going to have to spend the day feeling like I have an hangover anyway…

The only good thing I can say about this is that the quality seems to give a good representation of how most Hello Kitty goods are made. Apparently in the past cars under licence of the Italian car maker FIAT were manufactured or assembled in Poland. I’m told that these cars are referred to as the Polski Fiat (literally in English: the Polish Fiat) which was considered a Polish car brand.

Sent in by Yocoo who took the photos in Miskolc, Hungary which in itself brings up some disturbing trends: 1) People are actually taking photos for the sole purpose of sending them to me and 2) People all over the world are now sending me random Hello Kitty photos. Of course, both of these in addition to even thinking that it would be a good idea to send me something like this means that she should have to drive around in a car like this for the rest of her life or something similarly as torturous…

Hello Kitty Bikini Plush Nightmare

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Damn, just damn (shakes head, tries to push image out of mind, feels ice-cream type headache invade brain and no matter what is attempted, the image won’t go away…)

I know that part of living in Hello Kitty Hell is the risk that something will show up in my email that will traumatize me for the rest of the day. On occasion the photo will traumatize me for the week. If it is really horrible, it may traumatize me for a month. I think this one is going to traumatize me for the rest of my life:

Hello Kitty bikini plush dress

There isn’t much that crosses my computer screen these days that makes me jump back in my chair so that it topples over backwards and I instantly want to sear my eyes with hot branding irons, but this did. Damn…someone tell me how I can make this image go away…

Sent in my Lauren who should have to stare at this photo every morning for the rest of her life before she starts her day for thinking for an instant that sending me this photo could ever be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Hitler

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Hmmmmmmm…an email sent to me tonight:

ok, first off, i love your blog. when i first found it i kept reading it until about seven in the morning, i started at nine. i can’t get enough of it and it has awakened me to the hellish nightmare that lives under the white outer coating of that evil cat. i had no idea till now. and the way you write about it is amazing and is probably one of the biggest reasons i come back everyday to read it, yet…

i couldn’t help but wonder what kind of justice there is in the world that would allow someone as hilarious and amazing as you to suffer through this kind of eternal torment. I’ve studied medieval tortures and would gladly volunteer for any of those than live in one day of your life. i thought about it for a long time to understand why you are made to suffer so horrendous a punishment each and everyday of your life, and i think i finally found it. its a two part theory.

1. Hindus’ were right
2. your the reincarnation of Hitler

it sounds crazy but it is the only concept i could think of to explain this phenomenon. a good witty person who hasn’t done anyone any harm living through a torture worse than damnation on a daily basis, and even when he sleeps (hello kitty sleeping bag or ((I’m assuming your wife has them)) hello kitty sheets) the only possible way you could possibly deserve this punishment would be by being the most evil creature in existence, and Satan has his own hell plus was never born, so Hitler! there is no other possible explanation i could possibly come up with. it sucks dude but i think you were Hitler. but remember its just a theory (one that helps justify my need to laugh at your suffering.) say hello to the hell cat for me

~ghost

p.s. the other genius about this idea is that the hello kitty fanatics that read your site won’t help but be able to agree with this and say your Hitler (because they need to justify how you couldn’t like the stupid hell cat) but by doing so also admit that hello kitty is the worst form of punishment and torture imaginable. and if by some chance they decide not to jump on this chance then hey, at least there is someone who has it worse out there than you. either way you win!

I know that I live in Hello Kitty Hell when I’m actually in a good mood and have a smile on my face after being called the reincarnation of Hitler because of the simple fact that the email didn’t come with an image of the evil feline attached…

Update: Of course, this lack of attachments with the evil feline couldn’t last. I log on today with 7 emails from various readers (there are obvioulsly way too many people with too much time on their hands for thinking to even search for something like this and then to email it to me) with the following image attached:

Hello Kitty Hitler

Hello Kitty Pet Jewelry

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In Hello Kitty’s never ending quest to dream up new ways to sell anything with the evil feline on it, the people at Sanrio have once again outdone themselves. If expensive Hello Kitty jewelry for yourself isn’t enough, you can now share it with your dog (No, I’m not kidding…and all for the low price of $175 (118,900 yen)

Hello Kitty Pet Jewelry

Hello Kitty Dog Jewelry

Hello Kitty Pet Necklace

Jewelry that you share with your pet?!? Common sense would dictate that there is absolutely no way that something like this would ever sell, but alas, anyone that has been following this blog for even a short period of time knows well that common sense is the oil to Hello Kitty’s water. As I sat staring at the email in disbelief, it didn’t take long to see where this was going — you know that as bad as this is, it is simply the bridge being built to launch a complete line of Hello Kitty pet (exclusive) jewelry in the near future.

Hoping against hope that my wife would somehow see this as ridiculous, I actually showed it to her (yeah, beat me over the head for my stupidity). Now one would expect that the Hello Kitty fanatic would reply, “Oh, this is the cutest thing ever!” which my wife dutifully did, but her next response goes to show how far Sanrio has brainwashed the fanatics. She continued, “We need to get a dog” as if this was the most normal way to respond when having found jewelry that she wants to buy. Just one more episode to show that things can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by oj who deserves an especially drastic form of torture for thinking for one moment that sending this to me would be a good idea and for the trauma I will have to endure for the next month explaining to my wife that “no, we do not need a dog to go with that jewelry…”

Hello Kitty Scion xB Toyota Car

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What’s worse than a car that has been painted with Hello Kitty decals all over the outside? A car that has been Hello Kittified from the inside out like this Hello Kitty Scion xB monstrosity:

Hello Kitty Scion xB

Hello Kitty Scion

Hello Kitty Scion car

Hello Kitty Scion xB car

Hello Kitty Scion inside

The really scary part of this (and the realization that Hello Kitty Hell has progressed way too far) is that it resembles the inside of our house (I know, you don’t have to say anything — ripping out my eyes has had a pleasant and dreamlike fantasy aura for quite some time now). Unfortunately, it’s not a stretch to see that our car will someday look like this. Of course, it will be even worse. My wife is ultimately determined to do both the inside and outside of the car which will double the Hello Kitty horror of the ride, but that’s beside the point because it’s nothing that wouldn’t be expected when you live in Hello Kitty Hell….

Sent in by lisa who should have to ride in something like this for the rest of her life for giving my wife more ideas of what she can do to our car and for even thinking for a second that doing so would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Perez Hilton Shower Cap

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Hello Kitty is bad. A Hello Kitty shower cap is worse. Perez Hilton wearing a Hello Kitty shower cap as a fashion statement pretty much is the thing nightmares are made of:

Hello Kitty Perez Hilton shower cap

It seems to me that Perez Hilton wearing a Hello Kitty shower cap as a fashion statement pretty much sums up everything wrong with Hello Kitty. It’s seeing photos like this that make me think that there are great advantages to being blind. I guess it does serve a purpose of sorts – with all the people that must get sick around him when he is wearing that, at least his hair has some protection from the flying food chunks.

Of course, my wife doesn’t see it that way. For her it is simply proof that even those that are famous love Hello Kitty and therefore there should be no reason that I would not be willing to wear Hello Kitty as well. If it ever comes to the point where you see me out on the streets in a Hello Kitty shower cap, simply take one of the many Hello Kitty lethal weapons and quickly put me out of my misery…

Sent in by numerous readers (which again, is quite a disturbing trend in itself) who all should have to parade around with the same head fashion sense for thinking that sending me this photo to see could ever be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Piano

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In Hello Kitty’s never ending quest to always make things worse than she already has, she has moved beyond the Hello Kitty roll up piano and decided to brand a full size piano as well…

Hello Kitty piano

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. It does actually look like someone downed several bottles of Pepto Bismol and then decided to regurgitate it up all over their piano (which is quite ironic since that is the exact thing that I want to do when I look at this), but this is what Hello Kitty (and her fanatic followers) believe is a “cute” color.

Of course, because of its extreme cuteness (did you know that you can tell how cute a Hello Kitty fanatic thinks an item of the evil feline is by how high their voice goes when they tell you how cute it is? If you did, then you have passed one of the many tests that let you know you live in Hello Kitty Hell and I send my deepest sympathies) my wife thinks that this would be something that would be perfect for our house. Never mind that she doesn’t play the piano (we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t have to actually use any of the things that they buy, especially musical instruments) or want to learn how to. Once again we see that no matter how bad Hello Kitty Hell gets, there is always the opportunity of it getting worse…

Left in the comments by KT (via markoniinimaki) who really deserves to have to play this instrument everyday for the rest of her life and stare at the pink for imagining that this could ever be a good idea to leave the photo in the comments for me to find…