Strange – Page 37 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Photo of Horror

January 6, 2008 by onezero

This is what happens when you marry a Hello Kitty fanatic. I feel his pain and commend him for being able to squeeze out a smile through those clinched teeth of shame. All the photos in the world do not do justice to what it’s like to live with a Hello Kitty fanatic, but this one does give a glimpse into the horrendous torture that comes with it:

Not only does a Hello Kitty fanatic make their significant other dress up for a photo like this (and think it’s enjoyable), but once the photo is taken, they show all their friends and even send it to blogs like mine so that they are able to humiliate the significant other even more while being completely oblivious of what they are doing. That, my friends, pretty much sums up the everyday events of Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Kelly, who I should recommend some hideous Hello Kitty torture to undergo for even thinking it was a good idea to send this to me, but judging from this photo, she would simply enjoy it far too much. Her husband is free to do a guest column here at any time…

The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head

January 2, 2008 by onezero

As has been well established, Hello Kitty by herself is frightening, but Hello Kitty fanatics rarely are able to leave this frightfulness alone. They have to test the limits. They do this by projecting that their love of Hello Kitty must also be shared by their pets. So they decide that placing a Hello Kitty face on their cats and dogs would be a good idea.

Now, one would assume that it could never get worse than this (mainly because it’s so nightmarishly frightening that nobody in their right mind would want to even try to take it further), but of course, it can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell. That is because once Hello Kitty fanatics have their cat and the Hello Kitty hood, they then think “Wow, wouldn’t it be great to create something with Hello Kitty like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?” The result? They make a group called “The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head” (although I wish I was, I kid you not…)

Of course, my wife thinks this is the greatest idea since Hello Kitty toast and wants to join. “Wouldn’t our cats just look adorable in that and then we could share their photos with everyone all over the world” (an informal poll of our cats say that they are siding with me that it would definitely not be “adorable” and have even indicated they will be willing to sleep with me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag if worst comes to worst).

According to the group leader of “The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head” is off to England and Australia — which begs the question – is there any doubt that it will one day make its way to Japan? And while this entire concept is nightmarishly frightening (the cats and I are still arguing whether it it more nightmarish for me or them), we all know that in Hello Kitty Hell this will somehow find a way to get worse…

Sent in by Valerie (via Hello Kitty Fan Club Catster Group – where there are many more photos for those who have the stomach — scroll to bottom) who should have to wear these Hello Kitty heads herself for the rest of her life to get a feeling of how these cats must feel for even considering that sending me the link was a good idea…

Hello Kitty AR-15 Military Style Rifle

December 28, 2007 by onezero

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

Because if there is one thing that Hello Kitty can never have enough of, especially with her philosophy of love and friendship, it’s military style weapons:

Once again, we see Hello Kitty showing her true colors and what her true heart is all about. You know that there’s something seriously wrong when Hello Kitty has enough Hello Kitty firepower to arm a small army although an army of soldiers carry Hello Kitty weapons dressed in pink camouflage would pretty much be the scariest thing ever and would make most enemies surrender in an instant. Either that or they would die in fear (or simply take their own life to avoid the pain) with the thought of having to be ruled by a Sanrio army. The fact is, living in Hello Kitty Hell, I wouldn’t blame them in the least bit…

Left by David in the comments (via riflegear) who really should have to use that thing around all his buddies for the rest of his life for even thinking it would be a good idea to create something like that, let alone leave a link of where to find it for me…

Contacts

December 26, 2007 by onezero

While everything Hello Kitty freaks me out, there are definitely some Hello Kitty items that freak me out more than others. It’s stuff like this that is definitely on the high end of freaking me out list – Hello Kitty contacts:

While it is fairly obvious that Sanrio has figured out a way to possess Hello Kitty fanatics, these contacts give that possession much too much reality. Seriously, this is something right out of a horror movie. Of course, my wife thinks they are “the cutest thing ever” and wants a pair.

I already have an image of me happily dreaming away about life free of the evil feline when my wife comes to wake me up, I sleepily open my eyes and I instantly have the &*&%$#@@ hell scared out of me — and this happened each and every morning for the rest of my life. And that is just the first moment of the day which would pretty much guarantee that Hello Kitty Hell moves to yet another unthinkable level…

Sent in by Ali who really should be punished in unthinkable ways for even considering for a split second that sending me this photo would be a good idea.

Update: The frightfulness continues:

Sent in by sarah

Sent ion by denise

Now they are advertising contacts for men:

Sent in by Alex

Hello Kitty Christmas Tree

December 18, 2007 by onezero

You would think that there would be a law against this, especially during the holidays. I mean, seriously, how could anyone really view this as a good idea? (then again, I guess you could make that argument with virtually any Hello Kitty product…)

There is nothing that says Christmas spirit like a tree covered in Pepto Bismol with the evil feline on top. Of course, my wife wants one, but thinks that the ornaments should be Hello Kitty too (see, it can get worse than this photo) If we end up getting one, I’ll have to down as much Pepto Bismol as is covering the tree to keep from getting sick — yeah, I know, it still won’t work, but I have to deceive myself that there is a possibility of hope while living in Hello Kitty Hell during the holidays…

Sent in by kris (via lilitu93) who really should have to dress up like the tree for the remainder of winter for even having the thought that sending this to me would ever be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Lantern Festival

December 17, 2007 by onezero

You know it’s going to be another Hello Kitty Hellish day when an email with photos like this arrives – the Hello Kitty lantern festival:

The second my wife saw these photos, she wanted to go. My mentioning that since the photos were posted online, it probably meant that the festival was already over (hoping beyond hope that this would somehow end the subject) didn’t dissuade her in the least bit (nothing dissuades a Hello Kitty fanatic once the Hello Kitty virus has entered their brain).

The unfortunate state of reality is that Hello Kitty is succeeding in taking over the world and it probably won’t be impossible to find another Hello Kitty lantern festival (just realizing this already has me more than a bit queasy). So I get to look forward to searching for Hello Kitty lantern festivals as part of my winter holiday. That certainly seems to perfectly sum up Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by kittysweet (via vkeong.com) who should suffer unspeakable torture for not only for thinking sending this to me was a good idea in any way, shape or form, but also for having a username that should definitely not be visiting this blog making it all the worse.

Hello Kitty Assault Rifle

December 16, 2007 by onezero

And onto the original post…

Yes, we already know that Hello Kitty has a things for guns including AK47s and Armoured Personnel Carriers so it’s really no surprise that she would come out with another assault rifle:

On the surface, a Hello Kitty gun just seems wrong (but then again, anything Hello Kitty could fit that description). But with a little more thought, one could argue there is something quite appropriate about the character that is all about “love and sweetness” displaying her true colors and what she is really all about (death and misery for all those Hello Kitty fanatics that needed a hint). I guess in the end, it really doesn’t matter because either way, it’s still misery in Hello Kitty Hell..

Sent in by far too many people who obviously have way too much time on their hands if they could ever even think that sending me this photo was a good use of their time…

Hello Kitty Swarovski Crystal Covered Bike

December 5, 2007 by onezero

It’s when I receive emails like this that I know it’s really going to be a Hello Kitty Hell day. I’ve noticed a growing trend of Hello Kitty fanatics modding their stuff so that they can have the only (and most expensive) of that certain kind of item. Thus it was not a surprise (although it still made me want to run to the toilet) when this arrived in me email box:

I’m not sure what it is with Hello Kitty and Swarovski crystals, but this is definitely a Hello Kitty fanatic thing (see my wife’s modded cell phone). I think that Sanrio and Swarovski have secretly teamed up after discovering some special region of the brain in Hello Kitty fanatics which goes into overdrive when the two are combined while the rest of us normal folks are left staring at stinging bling that makes us want to cut our eyes out because doing so would be less painful.

What’s worse is the Hello Kitty fanatic is totally proud of this monstrosity:

I got the most expensive Hello Kitty bike on the planet! I spent one year covering my Hello Kitty bike in Swarovski crystals. Literally thousands of dollars were spent and it has approximately 50,000 crystals on it.

Yep, that pretty well sums up a Hello Kitty fanatic. Of course, my wife loves it. “It shines and sparkles bringing Hello Kitty brightness wherever she goes. Isn’t that wonderful?” I was tempted to answer, but decided that now that winter is here, it’s no fun to sleep alone on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag…

Sent in by Dottie who should have the the good fortune to have this pimped out contraption stolen, but who is safe with it because I can’t imagine that anyone (including the worst criminal elements) would ever want to be seen with something like that…

Hello Kitty Urinal Target

December 4, 2007 by onezero

Just when you think that Hello Kitty can’t possibly appear someplace more inappropriate than where she has already ventured, she once again shows that things can always get worse. It’s not often that I’m sent an e-mail with a Hello Kitty product that I’m not sure if I should despise or love — that is the current internal conflict that continues to rage within me in regard to the Hello Kitty urinal target.

There is something that is just completely wrong about any Hello Kitty item that invades a men’s bathroom which leads me to believe that I should despise this product. That being said, along with the fact that I have to see Hello Kitty every second in every other place that I go, the thought of being able to piss all over Hello Kitty (as she encourages me to do so) has quite a satisfying appeal to it and why I may be in love with this Hello Kitty product.

Of course something like this would never work at home. First off, installing a home urinal, while it would be fantastic from my point of view (and I assume any man’s, really), is not something that my wife (or any other woman) is going to let happen — even if there are Hello Kitty urinal targets. On the off chance that she did, there is absolutely no way that I would ever be able to use it as intended (see Hello Kitty toilet paper).

I can already imagine if I had accidentally come across this myself. After having a few too many beers to drink, I too would wander into a bathroom to relieve myself to find Hello Kitty staring back at me out of the urinal. At that moment one of two things would happen: 1) I’d freak out with the realization that there is absolutely no escape from the evil feline and would immediately be rushed to a mental hospital. 2) I would see my chance to piss all over Hello Kitty, do so and then go back and drink as much as I could so I could do it again and again. This would eventually leave me either passed out at the bar or back at home with the worst hangover ever. Either way, I’d end up losing in the end which is pretty much par for the course when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to Steve who I will definitely go out and have a few beers with (and possible many more) if I’m ever in Spokane just so that I can have the pleasure of pissing on Hello Kitty while being able to justify it even to a Hello Kitty fanatic…

Cutting Scarification

November 28, 2007 by onezero

It’s already been well established that Hello Kitty fanatics are, to put it diplomatically, fanatical. In being so, they go far beyond what most of us normal people would consider, for lack of a better word, sane. Usually this merely means buying lots of useless Hello Kitty crap, but apparently some are willing to go to painful lengths for the evil feline:

Of course, I have fallen once again into the classic Hello Kitty Hell trap of believing that it couldn’t get any worse than the Hello Kitty tattoos for body modification. I never learn…it always gets worse. Apparently true Hello Kitty devotion means splitting you skin open to permanently scar Hello Kitty’s image into your skin. Again, I hope this person really wanted Hello Mimmy (Hello Kitty’s sister) and not Hello Kitty on her arm (it still bothers me that I know the difference) because it doesn’t look like those scars will be coming off once the cuts have healed…

Sent in by Morgan (via modblog) who should have to suffer the same treatment for thinking it was – in any way, shape or form – a good idea to bring this to my attention.