Hello Kitty

Hello Kitty Wedding Cake

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What is it about Hello Kitty fanatics and weddings? There is something about the two together that bring out the worst in a Hello Kitty fanatic as can be plainly seen in any type of Hello Kitty wedding. This is one area that still brings fear to the forefront since we didn’t have a Hello Kitty wedding and my wife feels that she somehow missed something by not (thankfully, we got married long before the Hello Kitty fanaticism began) having one. But that yearning on my wife’s side to have a Hello Kitty anniversary wedding keeps popping up every time something like a Hello Kitty wedding cake ends up in my email box:

Hello Kitty wedding cake

There is nothing that says doom and terror more for a groom than having to cut and serve your guests something like that on your wedding day. I have no doubt upon seeing that cake that there is another man that has every right to be a guest writer on this blog and he deserves to have the pity of men worldwide for the torture he is suffering.

Of course, my wife thinks it’s “absolutely adorable” and I distinctly heard the words “we should get one like that when we have our anniversary we…” at which point I slammed the door on my hand and screamed in pain because I calculated it would be infinitely less painful to do that than hearing the rest of the sentence. Unfortunately, it was probably only a temporary solution to the problem so I have a feeling that my extremities are going to be quite black and blue this coming week which seems to be a minor price to pay considering the alternative when living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Mitzi who should only be able to eat that for the rest of her life for contemplating even for a second that it was a good idea to send me this photo…

Hello Kitty Toilet Sign

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What is it about Hello Kitty and toilets? She has a whole line of Hello Kitty toilet paper and while it really didn’t surprise me that there was a Hello Kitty toilet, the Hello Kitty urinal target and Hello Kitty electronic toilet paper dispenser simply confirmed that the evil feline likes her face everywhere. Then, of course, there is our disaster of a bathroom. So I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that there are also Hello Kitty (and Dear Daniel) toilet signs:

Hello Kitty toilet sign

Dear Daniel toilet sign Japanese

Dear Daniel toilet sign western

As a man, the Hello Kittification of my bodily functions is extremely disturbing. No matter what remedies Hello Kitty tries, it’s never going to be “cute” and there’s really no reason to pretend it ever could be. Of course, my wife doesn’t believe that for a second (but then the Japanese have buttons on their toilets that make a flushing noise so that you can’t hear bodily functions as well – it won’t surprise me if the Hello Kitty theme song replaces these flushing noises someday).

It’s bad enough (and obviously a sign that there’s something terribly wrong in the world) when a man can’t sit down to take a dump without Hello Kitty all around, but now we actually have Hello Kitty telling us where to do so…which pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by deniz and brightspring, both of who should have to live with Hello Kitty bathrooms as bad as mine for the rest of their lives for even considering it would be a good idea to send me these photos…

Hello Kitty Motorcycle Honda NSR

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It’s when I receive emails like this, it’s going to be a bad day in Hello Kitty Hell (then again, can there ever really be a “good” day when your life is surrounded by the evil feline?) because I know the reaction of my wife will be the complete opposite of mine. Unwritten rules in Hello Kitty Hell state that the Hello Kitty fanatic will love a Hello Kitty item in direct inverse of how much the husband despises it. So I already knew what her reaction was going to be the second I saw this Hello Kitty Honda NSR motorcycle:

Hello Kitty motorcycle

Hello Kitty Honda motorcycle

Hello Kitty Honda NSR motorcycle

First, why would someone ever do that to a nice piece of machinery? I guess that’s a question that you can really ask about anything that has been Hello Kittified, but a motorcycle? The main problem with this is that I’ve been thinking about getting a motorcycle, with the number one attribute being that there aren’t Hello Kitty motorcycles, so the last thing I needed to show up in my email box was a Pepto-Bismol tinted, blinged out Hello Kitty motorcycle model to give my wife the idea that this would be a good thing to get.

Of course, my wife adores it. She’s been full out against the motorcycle idea as she stumped for the Hello Kitty scooter as being a better choice, but did a 100% about face upon seeing this. “Oh, if you get that motorcycle, I don’t have a problem…”

Somehow, a 6 foot 3 inch foreigner riding around in Japan on this with a Hello Kitty helmet seems like a good excuse for the police to shoot me as a suspected terrorist (I mean, seriously, wouldn’t you expect a terrorist to be using things like this on his final mission to really bring fear into the Japanese people?). All I know is my dream of having transportation free of Hello Kitty is quickly fading away and another reminder that Hello Kitty Hell can always get worse…

Sent in by Lexmj who noted, “I saw this horrendous motorcycle while visiting this particular motorshop for repairs…I really felt that it scares the spirit of riding outta this bike. I hope it won’t cause nightmares to you as it did to me, really dampens my passion for riding whenever I thought of it” which, of course, is exactly what he accomplished by sending this too me and therefore should have to ride that thing everyday for the rest of his life as punishment…

Jesus Tattoo

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It just never stops. When I listed the first set of Hello Kitty Tattoos, I naively thought that the topic wouldn’t come up again. It didn’t take long for the Hello Kitty Star Wars Storm Trooper tattoo to appear, then the Hello Kitty Batman tattoo which I, again, thought would put things to an end. But then there was the Hello Kitty zombie tattoo and then Hello Kitty zombie II tattoo. I felt those were never gong to be able to be topped until I saw the Hello Kitty scarification which pretty much clinched the title in my opinion, but alas, things always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…

I know you read the title of this post and were shaking your head in disbelief even before you looked at what I have written. You thought that I was exaggerating to draw you into the blog because there is no way in Hell (Hello Kitty or otherwise) that anyone would ever get a Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo. Hello Kitty fanatics are wacko, but there is a line even they will not cross, right? See, I have had that delusion too, but it always proves to be wrong because fanatics of the evil feline don’t know what a line looks like that shouldn’t be crossed. Thus, the Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo:

Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo

No problem, I’m more than happy to wait a few minutes while you clean up the mess on your computer screen and keyboard before writing more. Take your time and make sure that all food and drink have been expelled from your stomach before attempting to look again. No, it’s not a problem that you need to run to the bathroom again because while cleaning up you noticed that it really does say “Hello Kitty is my Jesus” – I’ve already been there and understand that the food just won’t stay down…

Each year I look at what Hello Kitty Hell the previous year provided and have a small glimmer of hope that things can’t get any worse. I pat myself on the back for surviving another year without gouging my eyes out with Hello Kitty forks (or spoons or chopsticks or basically any utensil since they have all been Hello Kittified) due to all the Hello Kitty that surrounds me and imagine that the worst is surely over. Then within the first two weeks of the New Year, something like this ends up in my mailbox to remind me that Hello Kitty Hell can always get worse and 2008 is going to bring unbearable amounts of Hello Kitty pain…

Sent in by tattoo artist Brian from Youngstown, Ohio who deserves the worst of the worst that Hello Kitty can offer for not only thinking for a second that it was a good idea to send this photo to me, but for also giving notice of what 2008 is going to be like in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Photo of Horror

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This is what happens when you marry a Hello Kitty fanatic. I feel his pain and commend him for being able to squeeze out a smile through those clinched teeth of shame. All the photos in the world do not do justice to what it’s like to live with a Hello Kitty fanatic, but this one does give a glimpse into the horrendous torture that comes with it:

Hello Kitty fanatic

Not only does a Hello Kitty fanatic make their significant other dress up for a photo like this (and think it’s enjoyable), but once the photo is taken, they show all their friends and even send it to blogs like mine so that they are able to humiliate the significant other even more while being completely oblivious of what they are doing. That, my friends, pretty much sums up the everyday events of Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Kelly, who I should recommend some hideous Hello Kitty torture to undergo for even thinking it was a good idea to send this to me, but judging from this photo, she would simply enjoy it far too much. Her husband is free to do a guest column here at any time…

Hello Kitty Seed Art

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It’s not often that I see something Hello Kitty that first appears so horrible that I’m actually relieved when I find out what it truly is. It does happen on occasion such as with the Hello Kitty cheese, but it’s a rarity. That rarity happened again when I received an email and thought I was initially looking at a Hello Kitty Zen rock garden:

Hello Kitty seed art

In fact, it’s something called crop art and is made with seeds and beans (which in itself brings about 2 very disturbing points: 1. There is now a Hello Kitty fanatic out there somewhere making plans to create a Hello Kitty Zen rock garden since I mentioned it and 2. Hello Kitty has found her way into something as obscure as the crop art world). Thus, even in relief of finding out it wasn’t something worse, the potential of the initial assumption is bound to become reality in the near future (remember that Hello Kitty cheese – the awful truth was fulfilled there too) which pretty much sums up another day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Nina (via Suzanne Mears Crop Art Gallery) who really should have to eat only seeds and beans for the rest of her life for even considering it was a good idea to send this to me…

Hello Kitty Car License Plate Thingy

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I’ve been avoiding writing about our car lately because, basically, it’s slowly becoming a Hello Kitty pimped out nightmare. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even bother locking it anymore because there is absolutely no way anyone in their right mind would ever consider stealing it. Now my wife is adding Hello Kitty themed things that must have been invented for the specific purpose of placing Hello Kitty on them because they don’t even have a name like these Hello Kitty car license plate thingies:

Hello Kitty license plate thingy

Your eyes don’t deceive you. These are Hello Kittified covers for the screws that hold on your license plate. You know that the evil feline has pretty much put her face on everything when Sanrio has to begin making up products just so they have more things to sell. It’s even worse when my wife starts to buy these things because the car has been so Hello Kittified that there is nothing else — another typical day living in Hello Kitty Hell…

The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head

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As has been well established, Hello Kitty by herself is frightening, but Hello Kitty fanatics rarely are able to leave this frightfulness alone. They have to test the limits. They do this by projecting that their love of Hello Kitty must also be shared by their pets. So they decide that placing a Hello Kitty face on their cats and dogs would be a good idea.

Now, one would assume that it could never get worse than this (mainly because it’s so nightmarishly frightening that nobody in their right mind would want to even try to take it further), but of course, it can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell. That is because once Hello Kitty fanatics have their cat and the Hello Kitty hood, they then think “Wow, wouldn’t it be great to create something with Hello Kitty like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?” The result? They make a group called “The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head” (although I wish I was, I kid you not…)

Hello Kitty cat head

Hello Kitty cat head

Hello Kitty cat head

Hello Kitty cat head

Hello Kitty cat head

Hello Kitty cat head

Hello Kitty cat head

Of course, my wife thinks this is the greatest idea since Hello Kitty toast and wants to join. “Wouldn’t our cats just look adorable in that and then we could share their photos with everyone all over the world” (an informal poll of our cats say that they are siding with me that it would definitely not be “adorable” and have even indicated they will be willing to sleep with me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag if worst comes to worst).

According to the group leader of “The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head” is off to England and Australia — which begs the question – is there any doubt that it will one day make its way to Japan? And while this entire concept is nightmarishly frightening (the cats and I are still arguing whether it it more nightmarish for me or them), we all know that in Hello Kitty Hell this will somehow find a way to get worse…

Sent in by Valerie (via Hello Kitty Fan Club Catster Group – where there are many more photos for those who have the stomach — scroll to bottom) who should have to wear these Hello Kitty heads herself for the rest of her life to get a feeling of how these cats must feel for even considering that sending me the link was a good idea…

Hello Kitty Marriage Certificate

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It’s emails like these that ensure that the entire week is going to be hellish. I do my best never to bring up the subject of Hello Kitty weddings because my wife and I got married before her Hello Kitty obsession blossomed (yes, there are some miracles even in Hello Kitty Hell), and the fact that we didn’t have a Hello Kitty wedding doesn’t sit well. If any mention of weddings are made, the subject that we should retake our vows (this time decked out in Hello Kitty Hell wedding fashion) is the topic she wants to talk about for the next month. So you can imagine how disturbing it was to receive the knowledge that it’s possible to get a Hello Kitty marriage certificate:

Hello Kitty marriage certificate

It gets even work when you realize where the wedding took place and the outfits worn:

Hello Kitty wedding

And just to make my life completely miserable, a video of the entire event was included (view at your own risk – you have been warned…)

When it comes to looking into the depths of Hello Kitty Hell, the Hello Kitty wedding is right down there at the source of the flame. Of all the the painful moments I’ve endured in Hello Kitty Hell, I can still imagine that a Hello Kitty wedding would be more painful which is a very scary thought. Of course, my wife thinks it would be a wonderful idea if we renewed our vows in a Hello Kitty ceremony and will be reminding me of this fact for the foreseeable future ensuring that Hello Kitty Hell remains much too hot even in the middle of winter…

Sent in by Achim (via his site Hello Kitty Museum). While I should propose some unthinkable cruel curse upon him for even thinking that it would be a good idea to send me these photos, it frightens me to think that there might not be anything worse than what he has already gone through…

Hello Kitty Coffin Tattoo

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What exactly is it with men and Hello Kitty tattoos these days? It is certainly not a good sign in Hello Kitty Hell when more and more are showing up in my mailbox such as this one:

Hello Kitty coffin tattoo

We have yet another person getting a Hello Kitty tattoo who doesn’t know the difference between Hello Kitty and her sister Mimmy (it really is a toss-up of which is more disturbing — me knowing the difference between the two or some person getting permanently marked with the wrong character). Unfortunately, being backward stopped there. It would have been much better if Hello Kitty was actually being placed into the coffin instead of coming out of it (you know it’s simply a matter of time before we see a Hello Kitty coffin from Sanrio) with devil’s forked tail and horns instead of angel wings.

Of course, all these guys getting Hello Kitty tattoos simply gives my wife more ammunition to throw at me when I say that it just completely wrong for a guy to have a Hello Kitty tattoo (which, I feel is being quite generous since we all know that it’s completely wrong for anyone to have anything Hello Kitty, but that would inevitably lead to a night on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag).

Which brings us to what makes living in Hello Kitty Hell so bad. Anyone that looked at Hello Kitty clothes for men would know instantly that these were wrong, but when you start comparing them to being forced to get a Hello Kitty tattoo, all of a sudden, for a brief moment, you think that maybe Hello Kitty clothes for men aren’t so bad after all. Then again, you realize that being impaled with a whaling harpoon also doesn’t seem quite as bad as either and it helps bring things back into perspective…

Sent in by Georga (via Mr. Happy) who should have to spend all her days with this guy for the mere thought that it would be a good idea to send me this photo…