You knew that it would eventually have to happen. Having already Hello Kittified virtually every real gadget out there, the evil feline has decided that it’s necessary to take the next logical step in her plot to take over the world — invent random gadgets that make no sense at all, but which she knows thousands of loyal Hello Kitty fans will buy because it has been Hello Kitty branded. There is no other explanation that can be rendered for the Hello Kitty skin analyser:
As many of you have noticed, I have not posted in awhile. This was not due to there being a lack of the evil feline goods making their way into my life to increase the Hello Kitty Hell I live in or which to rant about, but because of a bet I made with my wife. She once again (at the unfortunate urging of Hello Kitty fanatics that believe this blog is disrespectful to both my wife and Hello Kitty) decided that this blog should be terminated. Somehow the Hello Kitty fanatics have now decided that the real problem is that I am addicted to and obsessed with Hello Kitty since that is the only way that I could write a blog about Hello Kitty (even if it happens to be negative).
There can be no bigger Hello Kitty Hell than actually trying to reason with a Hello Kitty fanatic since they are inherently void of this capability. Unable to convince my wife that I was not “negatively obsessed” with Hello Kitty, I asked her what I could do to prove that I wasn’t. She said that if I could go a month without doing any work on this blog that she would believe me and that she would no longer bother me about closing the blog down. If, however, I couldn’t last a month without working on the blog, I would have to tell any Hello Kitty fan where to get the items on this blog that they wanted and to turn over the blog to her and her Hello Kitty fanatic friends to do with as they wished.
The deal was struck and everything was going fine until many of the regular readers started to complain that I wasn’t updating this blog (since obviously they would have no idea of the bet and why there were a lack of updates). A few days ago the comments lead me to check the admin area of the blog and find that there were several hundred comments that were waiting in line to be moderated. I began going through these and accepting those that were real and deleting the spam.
One of the comments happened to be on the FAQ area asking a question and without even thinking about it, not only did I accept the comment, I also answered it in the main FAQ post. It didn’t take long for my wife and her Hello Kitty fanatic friends to notice that “I had worked on the site.” I protested saying that the spirit of the bet was that I would not put up new blog posts while my wife insisted that by answering the question, I had been working on the blog. After a lot of discussion and several nights spent on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag, we were able to come to an agreement:
I would be allowed to continue to write this blog, but I would have to tell Hello Kitty fanatics where they could get any item they wanted that have been listed on this blog — something that I have been steadfastly against up until this point. Since I already know there is going to be a huge demand to know where to get the Hello Kitty Converse sneakers which Hello Kitty fanatics are always whining about, you can find out all the information you need to know here. For any other items, you can leave a question in the comments and I will answer them there.
While it totally sucks that I have to do this, I felt it was the only option that would allow me to keep blogging without constant fighting (and me ever getting off of the couch and out of the Hello Kitty sleeping bag). So Hello Kitty fanatics, you may think you have won a small prize of being able to know where you can find Hello Kitty products courtesy of my wife, but I still plan to win the war…
Although I have suspected it for some time, I am now convinced that there is a special unit at Sanrio that makes Hello Kitty items with the sole purpose being to irritate the hell out of the significant others of Hello Kitty fanatics. In fact, it would not surprise me if they have it nicknamed the “Hello Kitty Hell” department and basically start each day with the mantra, “How can we make Mr. HKH’s life even more miserable?” I have come to this conclusion because there is no possible way that something like the Hello Kitty lawnmower would ever come into existence without such a department:
It’s not enough that Hello Kitty comes out with a new Hello Kittified computer every few months and more Hello Kitty computer accessories than is healthy for anyone that can still refer to themselves sane to have, but of course that is not enough for the true Hello Kitty fanatics. They have to go out and Hello Kittify their computer themselves like this Hello Kitty case mod:
It’s never a good sign when I receive emails from numerous readers about something Hello Kitty, but it’s even worse when the publicity department backing the evil feline also feels that sending me a press release is a positive thing to do. Thus was the case of the new Hello Kitty music CD that has been released with cringe inducing song samples to make you feel like you want to vomit for the rest of the day (warning – don’t listen. You’ll never be the same…):
Most people, when they hear the concept of men fashion combined with Hello Kitty, have to try hard not to fall into a fit of hysterical laughter at the pure absurdity of it all. That doesn’t dissuade the evil feline and her cohorts at Sanrio from trying to convince the world that Hello Kitty and men belong together. Take this photo for example:
You have the Hello Kitty face mask, the Hello Kitty Mexican wrestling mask and even the Hello Kitty welding helmet mask to scare the Hello Kitty Hell out of you, but the evil feline doesn’t like to stop when she is on a roll. That is the only conceivable reason that the people at Sanrio would think that the Hello Kitty eye mask could be a good idea:
Public enemy number one of this blog:
She gave an interview to Time Magazine. From the evil creator herself (as if there was ever any doubt of their plans):
What will Hello Kitty be doing in 10 years?
In 10 years’ time, everybody around the world will know her. Also, the number of male and female fans will be the same. Men who are still reluctant to be seen with Kitty in public today might be wearing Hello Kitty boxers. But they will eventually stop being shy and will show off Kitty proudly.
One more warning sign that all is not right in the world…
What would be worse than a house full of Hello Kitty crap? How about a Hello Kitty House full of Hello Kitty crap?