2007 – Page 5 – Hello Kitty Hell

Vibrator Reborn

November 4, 2007 by onezero

Oh, the irony. For anyone who thought that Hello Kitty wasn’t first and foremost out to make a buck, the following newly released item should put that to rest. Many of you know that there was a Hello Kitty vibrator that was made about 10 years back, but had been discontinued. Most people are aware of the history of the shoulder massagers, but in case you aren’t, here are the basics:

It all started back in 1997 when Sanrio gave a license to Genyo Co. to make a number of different Hello Kitty products. They produced all different types of products and one that was approved was a Hello Kitty shoulder massager. This was sent out to gift shops, restaurant chains, and other knick-knack stores and was truly sold as a shoulder massager around Japan initially.

It wasn’t long, however, that some people decided to use the shoulder massagers to massage other areas besides their shoulders. The Hello Kitty shoulder massagers that were being sold at the store down the street began to show up in adult movies. Soon they were also being sold in adult video shops and the sales of the product skyrocketed. Eventually it made its way online to be sold internationally as a “must have” sex toy.

When Sanrio found out that the shoulder massager was being sold as a sex toy, they claimed to be disgusted, especially since the Sanrio name and Hello Kitty character were on it. They immediately contacted Genyo Co. and asked them to stop. The Hello Kitty vibrator had at this point gained cult status and was selling like hotcakes and Genyo Co. had no intention of letting a hugely profitable product be taken off the shelf just because people were using it to stimulate other parts than intended. Sanrio tried to revoke Genyo’s licensing rights, but Genyo refused saying they had a valid license that had been approved and had spent much money developing the product.

The fight between the two companies continued until Genyo Co.’s top officials found themselves in tax trouble for some shady business dealings they were involved with. This gave Sanrio the reason they needed to revoke the license and Sanrio took the “shoulder massagers” off the market. The shoulder massagers that were still in outlets were soon bought up and sold as collector items sometimes reaching over $100 on eBay.

Since Sanrio was supposedly so disgusted and enraged by this “shoulder massager,” you can imagine my surprise when I received an email letting me know that they have revived it – selling it for just over $10 (1260 yen) in the Sanrio Japanese online store:

Oh, but it gets even better. Not satisfied to come out with only the same thing they had in the past, it now is also available in black:

This development of the “shoulder massager” being sold again is especially disturbing to all those that live in Hello Kitty Hell. At the end of the day, that is the last place you want to see Hello Kitty no matter how much pleasure the Hello Kitty fanatic claims that Hello Kitty brings. If this is the type of news the holiday season is going to be bringing me, it’s definitely going to be the most Hello Kitty Hellish one ever…

Thanks to Noa who really should be given some unspeakable torture treatment for even having the thought that letting my wife know these existed was a good idea…

Update: It appears they are available in red and lavender as well:

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume III

November 4, 2007 by onezero

It seems that the Halloween demons led by the evil feline have decided that they will continue to torture me even though the holiday is over. Yet more Halloween scariness sent my way in the form of another Hello Kitty Halloween costume:

I image this is a preview to what a Hello Kitty convention would be like and just the thought of it is making the indigestion begin already…

Sent in by Dorian who, like the others, really should have to wear this year round as punishment for extending my Hello Kitty Halloween misery…

Hello Kitty WoW Halloween

November 3, 2007 by onezero

If you thought the Hello Kitty World of Warcraft user interface was as bad as it could get, Hello Kitty once again proves that it’s always possible to get worse. Thus we find that Hello Kitty is now providing holiday themed Hello Kitty Wow user interfaces:

This is what makes Hello Kitty so annoying. Not only does she Kittify everything in her path, once she has Kittified it so you think it can never get worse, she’s really only just begun — and that when the different themes start arriving. Is there really any doubt that we will be seeing a Hello Kitty World of Warcraft Christmas theme in the future? Makes you want to run to the bathroom just thinking about it, doesn’t it?

Sent in by grace via Joi’s Flickr Photos, who should have to play all her games with a Hello Kitty theme for the rest of her life for extending my Halloween horror another day and thinking it could be a good idea in any way for me to see this…

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume II

November 2, 2007 by onezero

It was bound to happen. Thinking that I could finally leave the Hello Kitty nightmare of Halloween (costumes and pumpkins) behind and begin to concentrate on what travesties Hello Kitty Christmas has in store for me, Hello Kitty fanatics would have none of that. One felt it was necessary to send me another Hello Kitty homemade Halloween costume:

Here is a little advice to remember whenever you have a costume to wear.

1. If your main objective is to make men run away from you screaming in terror, this is the perfect costume for you to wear.

2. If your main objective is to humiliate your partner to no end, this is the costume to wear.

3. If your main objective is to get yourself labeled as a Hello Kitty fanatic, this is the costume to wear.

4. If you want to live a relatively normal life and not traumatize the people you love, this is not the costume to wear.

I would have thought that showing photos of people placing these Hello Kitty heads on cats and dogs would have been enough to send the hint that they also would not be very fashionable on humans, but alas, I once again have greatly underestimated the fashion sense of Hello Kitty fanatics…

Sent in by Rachel who should have to wear that thing around every day of the year for thinking it was a good idea to send the photo to me.

Hello Kitty Coughs Up Hairball

November 1, 2007 by onezero

When it comes to Hello Kitty, there aren’t many things that bring a smile to my face, but this was one of them – Hello Kitty coughing up a hairball:

I’m not sure why I enjoyed this so much. Maybe it’s because we now know what is truly inside Hello Kitty. Maybe it’s because I think that it’s a fitting tribute to Hello Kitty for all I will have to put up with today since it is Hello Kitty’s birthday (believe me, you don’t even want to know what I’m going to have to suffer through today…). But probably it’s mostly because it’s nice to finally see Hello Kitty suffering the same feeling I get every time one of her new products comes out and makes its way to our house…

Sent in by glory, who definitely will get a beer from me if we ever meet.

Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick

October 31, 2007 by onezero

Since it is the holiday season, Hello Kitty would never be satisfied with reintroducing a new Hello Kitty laptop look and adding a Hello Kitty mouse. She would demand more and of course, NEC would produce it in the form of a Hello Kitty Swarovski 1GB USB Memory Stick:

And because it is Hello Kitty, that 1GB of memory costs $135 (15,750 yen). With the computer likely coming to me as a present, and the mouse as a stocking stuffer, is there really any doubt that this will be hanging on the tree as a very expensive ornament? You know you’re living in Hello Kitty Hell when Halloween isn’t even over and you are already having heart palpitations when thinking about what Christmas is going to be like…

Hello Kitty Swarovski Computer Mouse

October 31, 2007 by onezero

Of course, NEC couldn’t simply stop with a new computer look. They had to create more bling to make Hello Kitty fanatics drool with dreamy lust as their significant others looked on in gut-wrenching pain. Thus the introduction of the Hello Kitty Swarovski crystal bead heart shaped mouse:

Of course, this Hello Kitty fanatic lust has a price: $110 (12,600 yen) for a computer mouse. Should I be expecting this as a stocking stuffer to go along with the computer? Those are the thoughts that run through the mind when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty NEC Laptop Computer

October 31, 2007 by onezero

Not only is one Hello Kitty laptop not enough for the evil feline, one Hello Kitty NEC Hello Kitty laptop with Swarovski crystal beads is not enough. Thus NEC has released a new version of their Lavie G model covered once again is crystallized bling:

Since my wife already has the previous model, why would she need this one? (Yes, I know a very stupid question since we have already determined that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t need any reason when it comes to Hello Kitty). At $1,825 (210,000 yen), it’s a bit expensive as just a display item, but that would never stop a Hello Kitty fanatic. She has the perfect solution to the price issue. She thinks that it is time for me to get a new laptop, and she thinks this would be the perfect model (despite the fact that if this was ever given to me, I would never be able to use it since there is too much risk that I would damage it in some way meaning by default it would be hers).

I can already see how this holiday season is shaping up and I don’t think it will be too difficult to anticipate what my Christmas gift is going to be which already has me feeling perpetually queasy. For the number of times that living in Hello Kitty Hell upsets my stomach, I really should be investing in antacid companies…

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume

October 30, 2007 by onezero

Halloween is not celebrated in Japan, but now my wife wants to dress up in a costume because of this photo sent in:

While my instincts are to go into yet another rant, maybe it will suffice to say that this is by far the scariest costume that anyone could come up with for Halloween. I have no doubt that little children screamed in terror as she walked down the street (because that is undoubtedly what I would have been doing if I had encountered it live). Maybe Hello Kitty and Halloween fit together a lot more than I have been been giving credit in the past. Either way, I have the distinct feeling that Halloween at Hello Kitty Hell is going to be downright scary now…

Sent in by Penny who should have to wear that thing year round for even thinking that sending me the photo and putting the idea into my wife’s head that a Hello Kitty Halloween costume would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty ATM Bank

October 28, 2007 by onezero

Now that it is holiday shopping season (at least to Sanrio which officially launched the Christmas selling season a few days ago in Japan), my wife is drooling at all the new stuff being launched. Another of the many embarrassing things about living in Hello Kitty Hell is that gifts to friends and relatives often come with the evil pink feline on them. I no longer even try to explain — when they shoot me that look of “what the hell is this monstrosity?” I simply give them my “hey, I’m living in Hello Kitty Hell and I have no idea how to explain any of it” look, which, now that I think about it, really should come with a lot more tears and sobbing than it does. I know that I’m going to have to be practicing this look a lot this holiday season as my wife looks at all the things she wants to give as gifts. Her first priority is for my sister’s kids, and she has her eyes set on a Hello Kitty ATM bank:

My understanding of a bank is a place to save money, but Hello Kitty obviously can’t promote saving when there is so much of her Hello Kittified merchandise that needs to be bought. Thus, the Hello Kitty ATM bank comes with a “Hello Kitty cash card” so you can take out your money just as easy as you put it in. This seems to be the perfect illustration of how she digs her merchandising claws into Hello Kitty fanatics from the earliest of ages and then never lets go – thus laying the foundation to create the Hello Kitty Hell I live in today for many more unfortunate souls in the future…