2007 – Page 6 – Hello Kitty Hell

Pumpkin Carving

October 26, 2007 by onezero

It really does not help my Hello Kitty Hell when people actually take suggestions of my wife such as learning how to carve a Hello Kitty o’ lantern:

via Movies of Myself (with the hope that it does mold and collapse into a zombie Kitty and we get to see a photo of that)

Sent in by Marla (It seems to me that Kitty isn’t happy being associated with Hello Kitty)

Sent in by someone who asked not to have their name revealed (someone with at least a bit of common sense, although he did make a Hello Kitty pumpkin so we may not be able to give him too much credit) from last year.

All these readers (and anyone else that decides to join them) should have to keep the Hello Kitty pumpkins for the entire year and watch as they decompose into the true character of the evil feline…

Update: I guess it shouldn’t be a surprise that after writing this, more Hello Kitty fanatics would send me photos of their Hello Kitty ‘o lanterns as well:

From Jennifer…

From Sandra…

From natalie…

From Nicole…

Hello Kitty Paper Shredder

October 25, 2007 by onezero

I have come to the conclusion that one of the most important skill sets when you live in Hello Kitty Hell is to learn how to keep your mouth shut on things you need and buy them yourself. While I have become quite good at this over the years, every once in awhile I slip up with horrifying results. May I introduce you to the Hello Kitty paper shredder:

It is almost always the office that gets me in trouble with slips of what I need. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would ever get office equipment that has been Hello Kittified? But apparently there are enough Hello Kitty fanatics out there to make it worthwhile to Hello Kittify even the most mundane office supplies.

Thus after making an offhanded comment last week that we really needed to get a paper shredder one of these days, the Hello Kitty paper shredder was waiting for me in my office when I came back from an errand. Of course, my wife was smiling from ear to ear anxiously waiting to see what I thought of it. “Isn’t it the cutest thing ever? Hello Kitty will help protect us from identity thieves.” (I manged to mumble something that satisfied her enough that it kept me out of the Hello Kitty sleeping bag)

While there is something wrong with every Hello Kitty item, there is just something downright wrong with having a Hello Kitty paper shredder. Every time I go to shred something, I get this overwhelming fear that the shredder is going to bounce up and catch hold of my hand or a piece of my clothing because you know if it was a movie, it would be the “cute” Hello Kitty shredder that ends up maiming and mutilating everyone.

I had a friend stop by who saw the thing and he just stood there shaking his head. A couple hours later I get a call with him laughing so hard he can’t stop: “Every time I walk by the shredder at work, I think of that thing you have and start laughing. It’s so sad that it’s hilarious…” (with more uncontrollable laughter)

Which I think is a pretty good summary of Hello Kitty Hell now that I think about it…

Hello Kitty Karaoke Machine

October 24, 2007 by onezero

While all Hello Kitty products make me cringe, there are some that go beyond the normal Hello Kitty Hell cringe and bring actual physical pain to me when I think about them. My head is throbbing just thinking about the newest gadget my wife wants: the Hello Kitty Karaoke machine:

Listening to the Hello Kitty theme song is enough to make any normal human sick, but accompany that with Hello Kitty fanatics singing the song at the top of their lungs in delight, and you pretty much have the worst torture chamber that one could ever imagine. The fact that they will continue to sing the same Hello Kitty theme song over and over again for eternity without any sign of tiring makes it all the worse.

I have no doubt that the people at Sanrio created this specifically to increase the heat in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Christmas Lights Candy Rocks

October 23, 2007 by onezero

One of the things that I have noticed about Hello Kitty is that she takes Holiday specific items and tries to make them generic thus allowing the Hello Kitty fanatic to use the evil feline all year round instead of at only a specific time of the year. It is with this in mind that Sanrio has renamed their Hello Kitty Christmas lights as “Hello Kitty Candy Rocks”

It’s bad enough that they are selling Christmas lights well before Halloween, but even worse that the “candy rocks” theme gives my wife the excuse to use them all year round:

wife: “Look what I bought”

me: “What?” (already knowing that it wasn’t going to be a pretty sight)

wife: “Hello Kitty candy rocks.”

me: “They’re Hello Kitty Christmas lights…” (stating the obvious)

wife: “No, these are candy rocks. They can be used to decorate all different areas of the house. Won’t things look so much better with lights to help brighten the place at night?”

me: “They are Christmas lights. They are meant to be put outside after Thanksgiving.” (hoping that I could avoid them as much as possible)

wife: “Sanrio says they are candy rocks.” (exasperated that I wasn’t getting it)

me: “Who do you believe more, me or Sanrio?” (I knew it was a dumb question as soon as it came out of my mouth…)

So now that she has established that I have no idea what I’m talking about, my wife is trying to decide where’s the best place in the house to display the candy rocks and wondering if she will need more so they can be displayed in each room…just another typical day in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Convention 2008

October 22, 2007 by onezero

You know that Hello Kitty Hell has reached an entirely new level of Hellishness when someone like me is actually invited to a Hello Kitty convention to give a presentation:

I know you and Mrs. HKH are in Japan, but I wanted to let you know that next November, you’re invited to KittyCon 2008. It’s a fan-sponsored and supported convention of Kitty lovers to meet, shop, swap, and learn more about everyone’s (!) favorite feline. I’ve just kicked off the web site, which you can check out at KittyCon2008. I’m writing for a few reasons. First, if you’re in town, I’d actually get a huge laugh if you were interested in doing a seminar about your blog and adventures being a HKH (hello kitty husband?) I’d make sure that you were treated with complete politeness – no one will be mean to you there. I think it’d be cool to meet the man behind the blog! If you guys just wanted to attend, you’d be welcome to that as well. (And if you wanted to be anonymous, cool.) I’m just getting started now with lining up the vendors and seminar leaders and volunteers. The best part (yes, I can feel you cringing) is that the convention will be November 1-2, 2008, which happens to be Hello Kitty’s birthday (Nov 1). Whee! It’ll take place in Raleigh, NC.

This is just so wrong on so many levels that I’m not even sure where to begin, but since I have to begin somewhere:

First, they have Hello Kitty conventions. Take a moment and reflect about that. Swarms of Hello Kitty fanatics gathering together to squeal in sugary delight and celebrate the loveliness of all the “cutest things ever” without a hint of sarcasm in their voices. You are excused to run as fast as you can to the toilet so you don’t make a mess anyplace else in your house.

Secondly, I personally cannot think of anything more disturbing than spending the day with a large group of Hello Kitty fanatics. Take out the medieval torture devices because that would be like a relaxing vacation compared to a Hello Kitty convention. Send Jack Bauer to interrogate me because that would be many times less painful. If I had to attend something like this, I would undoubtedly have to be removed in a straitjacket, and the nightmare would be even worse because there is likely a Hello Kitty straitjacket which they would use…

Thirdly, even more disturbing than the thought of spending a day with Hello Kitty fanatics is the thought that there are Hello Kitty fanatics that actually think that it would be a good idea for me to attend a Hello Kitty convention. Somehow, I don’t think that any presentation that I might give would go over too well. I can’t imagine the Hello Kitty fanatics enjoying themselves as I spent the entire time insulting both Hello Kitty and their fanaticism. While there are a lot of terrible ways to have your life end in this world, being attacked and killed by an angry Hello Kitty mob, while it would likely make the news, would be a downright embarrassing demise.

Of course, my wife wants to go. “Wouldn’t that be the most wonderful vacation ever!!”

It is typical Hello Kitty Hell that I already have to worry about 2008 when 2007 hasn’t even ended…

Hello Kitty World of Warcraft

October 21, 2007 by onezero

In the never ending quest to be everywhere, Hello Kitty invades places that she should never be. How else can you explain the Hello Kitty World of Warcraft personalised interface:

For those unfamiliar, World of Warcraft (WoW) is an online game where people going around killing anything and everything. Obviously, there are players that believe that adopting a Hello Kitty theme will give them the added advantage they need to spread destruction and misery throughout the world. Hmmmm, on second thought, maybe it isn’t such a bad fit for Hello Kitty after all…

Sent in by Kate who should have to not only use this theme when she plays the game, but also listen to the Hello Kitty theme song the entire time for thinking that showing this to me could ever be a good idea.

Hello Kitty Space Candy Tattoo

October 19, 2007 by onezero

I am not sure why Hello Kitty fanatics feel compelled to send me the Hello Kitty tattoos that they have gotten. It would seem that I would be the last person they would want to send it to. It’s not like I am going to give them a large compliment on it, but then it has already been established that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t make a whole of of sense. Thus I have been sent yet another Hello Kitty tattoo:

Putting aside the fact that anyone wanting a Hello Kitty tattoo in itself should probably be a sign that the world is coming to an end (especially for anyone in there is circle of family and friends — feel free to apply for a position writing on this blog if you happen to be part of one of these groups) getting a Hello Kitty in what appears to be a spacesuit with Badtz Maru and My Melody in the background and lots of hearts in candy all-around pretty much sums up the sickly sweetness that inhabits all of Hello Kitty Hell.

Of course, my wife loves it: “I need to get a Hello Kitty tattoo that is just as beautiful as that. It’s full of friendship and happiness.” I’m trying to mentally prepare myself for the day that I come home and I find that my wife has gotten a full body Hello Kitty tattoo because there is no doubt that is the direction that Hello Kitty Hell is heading…

Sent in by Gawelle (with work done by Seb) who really should have to get all her future tattoos done with the Hello Kitty tattoo gun as punishment for getting my wife excited about getting a tattoo again…

Hello Kitty Space Heater

October 17, 2007 by onezero

This is the time of year when people begin to take out their winter items. If you live in Hello Kitty Hell, that means having to deal with another year of such items like the Hello Kitty USB lap warmer and Hello Kitty USB foot warmers, but unfortunately things don’t stop there. That is because the evil feline can’t begin a new season without placing her mark on a whole new line for Hello Kitty fanatics to drool over. Thus my wife insists that we need to purchase this Hello Kitty flat space heater:

It’s when my wife start showing me things like this that I wonder if it would just be better to freeze to death…

Hello Kitty Halloween Pumpkin

October 15, 2007 by onezero

One of the worst aspects of living in Hello Kitty Hell is that all holidays are completely ruined. It is impossible to enjoy any holiday because it gets Hello Kittified. And just to make sure that everyone not only buys Hello Kitty goods on that particular holiday, Sanrio provides directions on how you can Hello Kittify it yourself with such things as how to make a Hello Kitty pumpkin (note that a pumpkin with Hello Kitty on the front is not a “jack ‘o lantern,” but a “Kitty-o-lantern!”):

My wife took one look at this and sent me to the store to get not one, but several pumpkins in different sizes so she could practice making the perfect Hello Kitty ‘o lanterns. Mind you, Halloween is not celebrated in Japan so this has absolutely no meaning out here (yeah, I know that none of it has any meaning, but this just seems to have less meaning than most – decorating for a holiday that isn’t celebrated)

So now we have 4 Hello Kitty pumpkins sitting on the front step of our house and I can’t even kick the damn things in and blame it on the teenage boys down the street…

Sent in by Tyra who should be forced to eat pumpkin, and only pumpkin, for the rest of her life for thinking that it would be a good idea sharing this with my wife…

Hello Kitty AK-47

October 9, 2007 by onezero

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

I guess if there are Hello Kitty guns and Hello Kitty Armoured Personnel Carriers, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that something which is supposed to exude love and friendship would be found on a AK-47:

Again, my wife is totally anti-Hello Kitty gun — “Hello Kitty brings love, she doesn’t kill” — but I think that this is simply showing Hello Kitty’s true colors. While she doesn’t necessarily destroy civilization with bullets and bombs, she does do it with a overwhelming blanket of cuteness that may be much more psychologically damaging to the world. I personally think it should be the weapon of choice for all Hello Kitty Hunters

And as the sales pitch notes, “A perfect gift for the young lady of the house.” What Hello Kitty fanatic wouldn’t want one?

The world should note the hand-crocheted shoulder-stock muffler and the anodized titanium plating. Several choices in stock wood are available. With a limited run of only 500, buy now before they’re gone! An mere $100 extra includes Glambo’s signature wood-burnt into the opposite side of the handguard. A perfect gift for the young lady of the house. A bargain at only $1072.95! 😉

Sent in by Ashley (via Glam Guns) who should shoot every Hello Kitty collection with it that she comes in contact with.