Year: 2008

Hello Kitty Face Mask

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I don’t get colds. I refuse. I take extra precautions to the point of obsession. This has absolutely nothing to do with fear of germs or being compulsive about cleanliness, but every thing to do with the torture and humiliation I have to endure if I do ever catch a cold.

Thus is was with great regret that I actually caught my first cold in years this past week which basically is the worst thing that can happen in the world if you live in Hello Kitty Hell. It’s not the stuffy nose, sore throat or headache that is bad — those are merely minor symptoms compared to the pain and embarrassment of having to roam around with a Hello Kitty face mask:

Hello Kitty face mask

In Japan, you wear these when you have a cold so that you don’t give your cold to other people. I have absolutely no problem with this concept except when Hello Kitty is plastered on the front of the face mask. It is just so wrong in so many ways when a 6 foot 3 inch foreigner wanders the streets of Japan with a Hello Kitty face mask on and it isn’t only me that sees it this way. You can see the sheer terror in the eyes of the Japanese when they see me, undoubtedly believing that I’m going to hack them to pieces at any moment because that is the type of crazy foreigner that would actually wear a Hello Kitty face mask.

My wife, of course, thinks that it’s the cutest thing ever to the point where she wants to walk around town together with matching Hello Kitty face masks on. She says that it is good practice for when the bird flu arrives and I may have to spend months wearing these Hello Kitty face masks. Somehow dying from the bird flu doesn’t sound all that bad when looking at the alternative of living…

This means that for the next week I have the choice of being cooped up in our house with no escape from the Hello Kitty Hellishness that is somehow still referred to as our house (although it really looks more like the worst pink nightmare that you could ever imagine) or I must venture out to endure the extreme humiliation that would be considered cruel and unusual torture if forced upon any enemy combatants during a time of war. Alas, this is a common dilemma when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Bedroom

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Receiving emails with Hello Kitty photos attached is disturbing in itself, but even more disturbing is the trend of people sending me photos of their personal Hello Kitty stuff:

Hello Kitty bedroom

Here is a simple question. Why in the world would I want to look at your Hello Kitty crap when I already have to spend the entire day looking at all my wife’s Hello Kitty crap? For all those that keep sending me photos of their Hello Kitty stuff, please be clear about the following:

1. No matter how Hello Kittified your room, house or life is, it’s still paltry compared to my wife.

2. I realize that it bothers you to no end that there is someone out there that has more Hello Kitty stuff than you, but I’m not going to send you photos of all my wife’s Hello Kitty crap so that you can see how much further you have to go to top her.

3. I will not go through the list of Hello Kitty things that you send to me and tell you which ones my wife has and which ones she doesn’t. I would rather go to the dentist and have a root canal performed without any anesthesia than do something like that.

4. I could really care less how much time it has taken you to lay out all your Hello Kitty crap so that you could take a photo of it to send to me. Instead of whining that your effort should get the photo posted on this blog, save yourself time and me the horror of seeing it and just don’t do it.

5. While you may think it would be fun to be the penfriend of some guy that bashes on Hello Kitty on a regular basis, the thought of that is one of my worst nightmares so please stop asking.

6. While you may think that I’m a complete (insert expletive of choice here) because I don’t use your photos on this blog or write back to you when you email me, think of this as me actually being kind. If I did either, you would be even more offended.

7. Your 1000 word essays to me on why Hello Kitty is great is a waste of both your time and mine. In fact, I read the first 2 sentences (if that much) and then hit delete.

8. Yes, I realize that there are other Sanrio characters that exist. No, I’m not going to make a blog about them, too, because you want me to “find obscure photos of these characters so you don’t have to spend all your time looking for them.” And no, I’m not going to send you another email explaining in more detail than my previous answer of simply stating “No” — which, if I might say, I thought was quite generous on my part to even reply with that.

9. No, I am not willing to help you find some Hello Kitty crap that you have been searching for for the last 10 years even if it isn’t listed on this blog. Since I’ve already made it clear that I’m not going to tell you where you can get the Hello Kitty crap on this site, I thought that this would be obvious, but apparently I still underestimate the common sense of Hello Kitty fanatics.

10. Your offer to send nude photos of you and your friends in exchange to find out where you can buy some of the crap on this blog, while inventive, would leave me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag even longer than when I say bad things about Hello Kitty — therefore it’s not an acceptable trade no matter how beautiful you think you are.

Unfortunately, these are a typical monthly round of emails when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Photo sent in by Cangela11 who, among all the others who have contributed to the above list, deserves unthinkable torture for believing that it could in any way, shape or form be a good idea to send any of their photos or emails to me…

Hello Kitty Polski Fiat Car

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I have long learned that it is never a good idea to open my email in the morning if I have been drinking the night before. Seeing Hello Kitty emails is bad enough, but viewing Hello Kitty emails with a hangover is just about the worst way to wake up in the morning. Lately, however, just opening the emails with the evil feline inside seems to bring on the same feeling as the worst hangover could. I know for sure that it’s never good to get up in the morning and open up your email to find a Pepto Bismol colored monstrocity like this facing you — the Hello Kitty Polski Fiat:

Hello Kitty Fiat

Hello Kitty Polski Fiat

Hello Kitty Polish Fiat

Hello Kitty Fiat car

Hello Kitty pink Fiat car

Here is the difference between a normal person and a Hello Kitty fanatic. While my head is spinning and I feel an intense headache coming on, the only thing I’m thinking is, “Why in the world would anyone want to ride around in something like that?” At the same moment, my wife is cheery as the sun with a huge smile on her face saying, “That is sooooo cute. Don’t you think we should get something like that?” Of course, all this leads me to believe I should have gotten extremely drunk last night if I’m going to have to spend the day feeling like I have an hangover anyway…

The only good thing I can say about this is that the quality seems to give a good representation of how most Hello Kitty goods are made. Apparently in the past cars under licence of the Italian car maker FIAT were manufactured or assembled in Poland. I’m told that these cars are referred to as the Polski Fiat (literally in English: the Polish Fiat) which was considered a Polish car brand.

Sent in by Yocoo who took the photos in Miskolc, Hungary which in itself brings up some disturbing trends: 1) People are actually taking photos for the sole purpose of sending them to me and 2) People all over the world are now sending me random Hello Kitty photos. Of course, both of these in addition to even thinking that it would be a good idea to send me something like this means that she should have to drive around in a car like this for the rest of her life or something similarly as torturous…

Hello Kitty Bikini Plush Nightmare

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Damn, just damn (shakes head, tries to push image out of mind, feels ice-cream type headache invade brain and no matter what is attempted, the image won’t go away…)

I know that part of living in Hello Kitty Hell is the risk that something will show up in my email that will traumatize me for the rest of the day. On occasion the photo will traumatize me for the week. If it is really horrible, it may traumatize me for a month. I think this one is going to traumatize me for the rest of my life:

Hello Kitty bikini plush dress

There isn’t much that crosses my computer screen these days that makes me jump back in my chair so that it topples over backwards and I instantly want to sear my eyes with hot branding irons, but this did. Damn…someone tell me how I can make this image go away…

Sent in my Lauren who should have to stare at this photo every morning for the rest of her life before she starts her day for thinking for an instant that sending me this photo could ever be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Hitler

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Hmmmmmmm…an email sent to me tonight:

ok, first off, i love your blog. when i first found it i kept reading it until about seven in the morning, i started at nine. i can’t get enough of it and it has awakened me to the hellish nightmare that lives under the white outer coating of that evil cat. i had no idea till now. and the way you write about it is amazing and is probably one of the biggest reasons i come back everyday to read it, yet…

i couldn’t help but wonder what kind of justice there is in the world that would allow someone as hilarious and amazing as you to suffer through this kind of eternal torment. I’ve studied medieval tortures and would gladly volunteer for any of those than live in one day of your life. i thought about it for a long time to understand why you are made to suffer so horrendous a punishment each and everyday of your life, and i think i finally found it. its a two part theory.

1. Hindus’ were right
2. your the reincarnation of Hitler

it sounds crazy but it is the only concept i could think of to explain this phenomenon. a good witty person who hasn’t done anyone any harm living through a torture worse than damnation on a daily basis, and even when he sleeps (hello kitty sleeping bag or ((I’m assuming your wife has them)) hello kitty sheets) the only possible way you could possibly deserve this punishment would be by being the most evil creature in existence, and Satan has his own hell plus was never born, so Hitler! there is no other possible explanation i could possibly come up with. it sucks dude but i think you were Hitler. but remember its just a theory (one that helps justify my need to laugh at your suffering.) say hello to the hell cat for me

~ghost

p.s. the other genius about this idea is that the hello kitty fanatics that read your site won’t help but be able to agree with this and say your Hitler (because they need to justify how you couldn’t like the stupid hell cat) but by doing so also admit that hello kitty is the worst form of punishment and torture imaginable. and if by some chance they decide not to jump on this chance then hey, at least there is someone who has it worse out there than you. either way you win!

I know that I live in Hello Kitty Hell when I’m actually in a good mood and have a smile on my face after being called the reincarnation of Hitler because of the simple fact that the email didn’t come with an image of the evil feline attached…

Update: Of course, this lack of attachments with the evil feline couldn’t last. I log on today with 7 emails from various readers (there are obvioulsly way too many people with too much time on their hands for thinking to even search for something like this and then to email it to me) with the following image attached:

Hello Kitty Hitler

Hello Kitty Pet Jewelry

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In Hello Kitty’s never ending quest to dream up new ways to sell anything with the evil feline on it, the people at Sanrio have once again outdone themselves. If expensive Hello Kitty jewelry for yourself isn’t enough, you can now share it with your dog (No, I’m not kidding…and all for the low price of $175 (118,900 yen)

Hello Kitty Pet Jewelry

Hello Kitty Dog Jewelry

Hello Kitty Pet Necklace

Jewelry that you share with your pet?!? Common sense would dictate that there is absolutely no way that something like this would ever sell, but alas, anyone that has been following this blog for even a short period of time knows well that common sense is the oil to Hello Kitty’s water. As I sat staring at the email in disbelief, it didn’t take long to see where this was going — you know that as bad as this is, it is simply the bridge being built to launch a complete line of Hello Kitty pet (exclusive) jewelry in the near future.

Hoping against hope that my wife would somehow see this as ridiculous, I actually showed it to her (yeah, beat me over the head for my stupidity). Now one would expect that the Hello Kitty fanatic would reply, “Oh, this is the cutest thing ever!” which my wife dutifully did, but her next response goes to show how far Sanrio has brainwashed the fanatics. She continued, “We need to get a dog” as if this was the most normal way to respond when having found jewelry that she wants to buy. Just one more episode to show that things can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by oj who deserves an especially drastic form of torture for thinking for one moment that sending this to me would be a good idea and for the trauma I will have to endure for the next month explaining to my wife that “no, we do not need a dog to go with that jewelry…”

Hello Kitty Scion xB Toyota Car

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What’s worse than a car that has been painted with Hello Kitty decals all over the outside? A car that has been Hello Kittified from the inside out like this Hello Kitty Scion xB monstrosity:

Hello Kitty Scion xB

Hello Kitty Scion

Hello Kitty Scion car

Hello Kitty Scion xB car

Hello Kitty Scion inside

The really scary part of this (and the realization that Hello Kitty Hell has progressed way too far) is that it resembles the inside of our house (I know, you don’t have to say anything — ripping out my eyes has had a pleasant and dreamlike fantasy aura for quite some time now). Unfortunately, it’s not a stretch to see that our car will someday look like this. Of course, it will be even worse. My wife is ultimately determined to do both the inside and outside of the car which will double the Hello Kitty horror of the ride, but that’s beside the point because it’s nothing that wouldn’t be expected when you live in Hello Kitty Hell….

Sent in by lisa who should have to ride in something like this for the rest of her life for giving my wife more ideas of what she can do to our car and for even thinking for a second that doing so would be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Hell Mother Nightmare

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It’s not only the husband’s that suffer in Hello Kitty Hell, it’s also the kids:

MY MOTHER’S SICK, SAD ADDICTION
Written by: Becky D. (Mary’s 15-year-old daughter)

Being the teenage daughter of a Sanrio obsessed 40-something woman is like being controlled by a 4-year-old girl. Ninety percent of everything my mother buys is either pink, a cat with no mouth or some strangely shaped creature with an unpronounceable name. Every time one of those techno-colored packages arrive at our door, my mother’s shrieks fill the house, followed by, “Isn’t that just the cutest thing?”

Think I’m kidding? The Hawaii incident: Spring break of 2003, my mother, sister, my mother’s fiancee and his daughters all boarded a plane and arrived in Hawaii hours later. We spent the week on a small part of Oahu’s north shore and planned on going to Honolulu later in the week. Every day my mother would remind us how many days until we could visit the Sanrio store. Finally the day arrived and my mom could not have been happier. We drove into town, to the mall and within a matter of seconds, my mother was off and running towards the underground cartoon hell. Her ohhhs and ahhhhs could be heard all the way to the sheets. I cringed when I thought about how long we would be trapped in the wonderland of toasters with cats on them, suitcases big enough for a pair of underwear and vacuums the size of small children. 3 hours and 4 large shopping bags later, we left — much to my delight and my mom’s dismay.

I thought it was just a phase, but nothing with her NOTHING is a phase. Soon all our pencils were replaced with pink pens with animals, all stationery was brightly colored, and I started getting notes at school on every type of Sanrio paper/envelope combination imaginable, “just because.”

One night when all conversation had died down, my mother admitted that she would love to live in an Airstream trailer filled with Hello Kitty memorabilia. The idea still freaks me out.

Until she gets over this sick, sad addiction I’m stuck in a Hello Kitty Hell.

Good-Bye Kitty.

Kids that have more sense than the Hello Kitty fanatic parent…that pretty much sums up the devastation that Hello Kitty can bring to an entire family…

Story sent in by Mary who should have to give her daughter anything she wants for the traumatization that she has caused…

Hello Kitty Perez Hilton Shower Cap

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Hello Kitty is bad. A Hello Kitty shower cap is worse. Perez Hilton wearing a Hello Kitty shower cap as a fashion statement pretty much is the thing nightmares are made of:

Hello Kitty Perez Hilton shower cap

It seems to me that Perez Hilton wearing a Hello Kitty shower cap as a fashion statement pretty much sums up everything wrong with Hello Kitty. It’s seeing photos like this that make me think that there are great advantages to being blind. I guess it does serve a purpose of sorts – with all the people that must get sick around him when he is wearing that, at least his hair has some protection from the flying food chunks.

Of course, my wife doesn’t see it that way. For her it is simply proof that even those that are famous love Hello Kitty and therefore there should be no reason that I would not be willing to wear Hello Kitty as well. If it ever comes to the point where you see me out on the streets in a Hello Kitty shower cap, simply take one of the many Hello Kitty lethal weapons and quickly put me out of my misery…

Sent in by numerous readers (which again, is quite a disturbing trend in itself) who all should have to parade around with the same head fashion sense for thinking that sending me this photo to see could ever be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Piano

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In Hello Kitty’s never ending quest to always make things worse than she already has, she has moved beyond the Hello Kitty roll up piano and decided to brand a full size piano as well…

Hello Kitty piano

No, your eyes are not deceiving you. It does actually look like someone downed several bottles of Pepto Bismol and then decided to regurgitate it up all over their piano (which is quite ironic since that is the exact thing that I want to do when I look at this), but this is what Hello Kitty (and her fanatic followers) believe is a “cute” color.

Of course, because of its extreme cuteness (did you know that you can tell how cute a Hello Kitty fanatic thinks an item of the evil feline is by how high their voice goes when they tell you how cute it is? If you did, then you have passed one of the many tests that let you know you live in Hello Kitty Hell and I send my deepest sympathies) my wife thinks that this would be something that would be perfect for our house. Never mind that she doesn’t play the piano (we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t have to actually use any of the things that they buy, especially musical instruments) or want to learn how to. Once again we see that no matter how bad Hello Kitty Hell gets, there is always the opportunity of it getting worse…

Left in the comments by KT (via markoniinimaki) who really deserves to have to play this instrument everyday for the rest of her life and stare at the pink for imagining that this could ever be a good idea to leave the photo in the comments for me to find…