onezero – Page 73 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Car License Plate Thingy

January 3, 2008 by onezero

I’ve been avoiding writing about our car lately because, basically, it’s slowly becoming a Hello Kitty pimped out nightmare. It has gotten to the point where I don’t even bother locking it anymore because there is absolutely no way anyone in their right mind would ever consider stealing it. Now my wife is adding Hello Kitty themed things that must have been invented for the specific purpose of placing Hello Kitty on them because they don’t even have a name like these Hello Kitty car license plate thingies:

Your eyes don’t deceive you. These are Hello Kittified covers for the screws that hold on your license plate. You know that the evil feline has pretty much put her face on everything when Sanrio has to begin making up products just so they have more things to sell. It’s even worse when my wife starts to buy these things because the car has been so Hello Kittified that there is nothing else — another typical day living in Hello Kitty Hell…

The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head

January 2, 2008 by onezero

As has been well established, Hello Kitty by herself is frightening, but Hello Kitty fanatics rarely are able to leave this frightfulness alone. They have to test the limits. They do this by projecting that their love of Hello Kitty must also be shared by their pets. So they decide that placing a Hello Kitty face on their cats and dogs would be a good idea.

Now, one would assume that it could never get worse than this (mainly because it’s so nightmarishly frightening that nobody in their right mind would want to even try to take it further), but of course, it can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell. That is because once Hello Kitty fanatics have their cat and the Hello Kitty hood, they then think “Wow, wouldn’t it be great to create something with Hello Kitty like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants?” The result? They make a group called “The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head” (although I wish I was, I kid you not…)

Of course, my wife thinks this is the greatest idea since Hello Kitty toast and wants to join. “Wouldn’t our cats just look adorable in that and then we could share their photos with everyone all over the world” (an informal poll of our cats say that they are siding with me that it would definitely not be “adorable” and have even indicated they will be willing to sleep with me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag if worst comes to worst).

According to the group leader of “The Cathood of the Travelling Hello Kitty Head” is off to England and Australia — which begs the question – is there any doubt that it will one day make its way to Japan? And while this entire concept is nightmarishly frightening (the cats and I are still arguing whether it it more nightmarish for me or them), we all know that in Hello Kitty Hell this will somehow find a way to get worse…

Sent in by Valerie (via Hello Kitty Fan Club Catster Group – where there are many more photos for those who have the stomach — scroll to bottom) who should have to wear these Hello Kitty heads herself for the rest of her life to get a feeling of how these cats must feel for even considering that sending me the link was a good idea…

Hello Kitty Marriage Certificate

January 1, 2008 by onezero

It’s emails like these that ensure that the entire week is going to be hellish. I do my best never to bring up the subject of Hello Kitty weddings because my wife and I got married before her Hello Kitty obsession blossomed (yes, there are some miracles even in Hello Kitty Hell), and the fact that we didn’t have a Hello Kitty wedding doesn’t sit well. If any mention of weddings are made, the subject that we should retake our vows (this time decked out in Hello Kitty Hell wedding fashion) is the topic she wants to talk about for the next month. So you can imagine how disturbing it was to receive the knowledge that it’s possible to get a Hello Kitty marriage certificate:

It gets even work when you realize where the wedding took place and the outfits worn:

And just to make my life completely miserable, a video of the entire event was included (view at your own risk – you have been warned…)

When it comes to looking into the depths of Hello Kitty Hell, the Hello Kitty wedding is right down there at the source of the flame. Of all the the painful moments I’ve endured in Hello Kitty Hell, I can still imagine that a Hello Kitty wedding would be more painful which is a very scary thought. Of course, my wife thinks it would be a wonderful idea if we renewed our vows in a Hello Kitty ceremony and will be reminding me of this fact for the foreseeable future ensuring that Hello Kitty Hell remains much too hot even in the middle of winter…

Sent in by Achim (via his site Hello Kitty Museum). While I should propose some unthinkable cruel curse upon him for even thinking that it would be a good idea to send me these photos, it frightens me to think that there might not be anything worse than what he has already gone through…

Hello Kitty Coffin Tattoo

December 31, 2007 by onezero

What exactly is it with men and Hello Kitty tattoos these days? It is certainly not a good sign in Hello Kitty Hell when more and more are showing up in my mailbox such as this one:

We have yet another person getting a Hello Kitty tattoo who doesn’t know the difference between Hello Kitty and her sister Mimmy (it really is a toss-up of which is more disturbing — me knowing the difference between the two or some person getting permanently marked with the wrong character). Unfortunately, being backward stopped there. It would have been much better if Hello Kitty was actually being placed into the coffin instead of coming out of it (you know it’s simply a matter of time before we see a Hello Kitty coffin from Sanrio) with devil’s forked tail and horns instead of angel wings.

Of course, all these guys getting Hello Kitty tattoos simply gives my wife more ammunition to throw at me when I say that it just completely wrong for a guy to have a Hello Kitty tattoo (which, I feel is being quite generous since we all know that it’s completely wrong for anyone to have anything Hello Kitty, but that would inevitably lead to a night on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag).

Which brings us to what makes living in Hello Kitty Hell so bad. Anyone that looked at Hello Kitty clothes for men would know instantly that these were wrong, but when you start comparing them to being forced to get a Hello Kitty tattoo, all of a sudden, for a brief moment, you think that maybe Hello Kitty clothes for men aren’t so bad after all. Then again, you realize that being impaled with a whaling harpoon also doesn’t seem quite as bad as either and it helps bring things back into perspective…

Sent in by Georga (via Mr. Happy) who should have to spend all her days with this guy for the mere thought that it would be a good idea to send me this photo…

Hello Kitty For Men

December 29, 2007 by onezero

Stop! Take your hand off the mouse and don’t even think of clicking the “send” on the email to let me know about Hello Kitty for Men – yes, I’m fully aware that they exist, and (unfortunately) I have been for a few months now:

While the entire concept of Hello Kitty for men is disturbing, the emails themselves have been just as disturbing. First and foremost, there is something seriously wrong when I log into my email account and have 62 emails informing me about this news. This not to mention the people who have left the link in various threads on the blog.

Think about this for a minute — 62 readers read about something Hello Kitty and for some inexplicable reason thought it would be a good idea to send me an email about it. That in itself shows the Hello Kitty Hell I live in…

I have grown to expect emails from clueless Hello Kitty fanatics that somehow think that, despite the name of my blog and what I write about the evil feline, that I get excited about stuff like this. They have distorted their world view so much that they believe that I would feel the Hello Kitty for Men concept is a good thing:

“Have you heard?? Sanrio is going to be debuting a line of HK products for men! Isn’t that awesome!?”

“Hello Kitty was made for men. I’m buying these for all the guys I know. Your wife will be too!”

While it’s disturbing that anyone would view this as a good thing, these are typical emails that one expects when living in Hello Kitty Hell. What was surprising this time around was the glee that seemed to accompany many of the emails of what this would mean for me. While many began with sympathy for my Hello Kitty Hell, they eventually showed their true colors of being enthusiastic about the further pain and suffering this was bound to cause.

“Dude, guess your life sucks more. Can’t wait to see photos.”

“I know you hate Hello Kitty, but your wife is going to love these and torture you more with them.”

“These are the ugliest things ever, but get used to it because it’s going to be your new wardrobe.”

“Welcome to your doom.”

I’m not sure if it is a good psychological sign that in addition to the Hello Kitty fanatics who seem unfathomably compelled to read this blog, there are also a good number of readers who get a sense of satisfaction and happiness from my Hello Kitty Hell. Or as one reader aptly wrote about Hello Kitty for men:

“Sure, my life sucks. But not as much as yours.”

Yep, that pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

PS – in the time it took me to write this post, 3 more emails informing me about this news arrived in my account…

Hello Kitty AR-15 Military Style Rifle

December 28, 2007 by onezero

Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

Because if there is one thing that Hello Kitty can never have enough of, especially with her philosophy of love and friendship, it’s military style weapons:

Once again, we see Hello Kitty showing her true colors and what her true heart is all about. You know that there’s something seriously wrong when Hello Kitty has enough Hello Kitty firepower to arm a small army although an army of soldiers carry Hello Kitty weapons dressed in pink camouflage would pretty much be the scariest thing ever and would make most enemies surrender in an instant. Either that or they would die in fear (or simply take their own life to avoid the pain) with the thought of having to be ruled by a Sanrio army. The fact is, living in Hello Kitty Hell, I wouldn’t blame them in the least bit…

Left by David in the comments (via riflegear) who really should have to use that thing around all his buddies for the rest of his life for even thinking it would be a good idea to create something like that, let alone leave a link of where to find it for me…

Contacts

December 26, 2007 by onezero

While everything Hello Kitty freaks me out, there are definitely some Hello Kitty items that freak me out more than others. It’s stuff like this that is definitely on the high end of freaking me out list – Hello Kitty contacts:

While it is fairly obvious that Sanrio has figured out a way to possess Hello Kitty fanatics, these contacts give that possession much too much reality. Seriously, this is something right out of a horror movie. Of course, my wife thinks they are “the cutest thing ever” and wants a pair.

I already have an image of me happily dreaming away about life free of the evil feline when my wife comes to wake me up, I sleepily open my eyes and I instantly have the &*&%$#@@ hell scared out of me — and this happened each and every morning for the rest of my life. And that is just the first moment of the day which would pretty much guarantee that Hello Kitty Hell moves to yet another unthinkable level…

Sent in by Ali who really should be punished in unthinkable ways for even considering for a split second that sending me this photo would be a good idea.

Update: The frightfulness continues:

Sent in by sarah

Sent ion by denise

Now they are advertising contacts for men:

Sent in by Alex

Goodbye Kitty – Fan Art

December 22, 2007 by onezero

If people insist on sending me Hello Kitty related emails, fan art is preferable over Hello Kitty items that are just bound to make my life more of a living (Hello Kitty) hell once my wife sees them. Here is the latest piece of fan art sent in:

It came with the following message:

Alright, I drew this to make your holidays a little better, and less Hello Kittyish. This was drawn using a Hello Kitty picture to make the ultimate anti-Hello Kitty weapon.

It even comes with a small story about how Sanrio attempted to make a living with Hello Kitty and accidentally made Goodbye Kitty, who thus began her quest to destroy all links between her, Hello Kitty, and Sanrio. Goodbye Kitty, fighting Hello Kitty since 2007

It would be nice to think that there was an anti-Hello Kitty roaming the earth trying to wipe out all things Hello Kitty but I, unfortunately, see no evidence of it. Still, I can keep dreaming, right…

Sent in by Alenderis, who now only needs to make his creation as popular as the evil feline for me to have his undying gratitude…

Hello Kitty Christmas Tree II

December 20, 2007 by onezero

I should have known that it was going to get worse (this is, after all, Hello Kitty Hell where things always get worse no matter how bad they may seem). Thus we move from the Hello Kitty pink Christmas tree to the Hello Kitty Plush Christmas tree:

Of course, my wife loves both and is talking about combining the two together (Pepto Bismol pink with lots of Hello Kitty plush and Hello Kitty ornaments — and people wonder why the holidays is the time when people kill themselves…) which would take the entire Hello Kitty Christmas tree to even new Hello Kitty Hell depths…

Sent in by cutesy (via likerogermoore) who should have to live with a tree like that for the entire year (and definitely get a new user name) for even thinking for a second it was a good idea to send that photo to me…

Hello Kitty Deodorant

December 19, 2007 by onezero

The fact that Sanrio makes a Hello Kitty douche pretty much assured that a Hello Kitty deodorant existed and now, of course, my wife is looking for it.

There are a couple of classic signs that it is Hello Kitty. It’s marked “limited edition” at the top – who else besides Sanrio would come up with the idea of limited edition deodorant? You know that limited edition deodorant would never fly with any other brand in the world and you also know that the Hello Kitty fanatics are drooling all over themselves wanting it. Then there is the description that the spray is “air petals” – which is so classic Hello Kitty sweetness that it makes my stomach churn, a chill go up my spine and makes me want to vomit.

Of course, my wife sees it from a completely different point of view: “Wouldn’t it be wonderful that you could smell Hello Kitty everyday?” Between having to eat Hello Kitty food, see Hello Kitty everywhere I go, listen to the Hello Kitty theme song on crappy speakers and touch Hello Kitty at times when one should never have to touch her, we might as well make it all five senses and make me suffer with the Smell of Hello Kitty on a daily basis as well. Would you expect anything less in Hello Kitty Hell…?

Sent in by Marcus who should have to wear this Hello Kitty deodorant himself for even considering it would be a good idea to send this to me…