Strange

Hello Kitty Cosplay

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Thus far I have been spared my wife dressing up in Hello Kitty costumes and, as you might well imagine, don’t have any urge to encourage such a hideous idea. It was therefore with extreme disgust I found this in my email this morning:

Hello Kitty cosplay
Alexandra Roberts [flickr]

Now I realize that you look at this photo and simply say “wtf????” because that is the reaction of any normal person. So when a Hello Kitty fanatic begins to tell you how cute the outfit is, basically nothing registers because, quite frankly, your mind can’t fathom that the words reaching your ears could ever be true. At this point you hope that what you are hearing is a dream rather than reality, but soon realize that in Hello Kitty Hell you don’t wake up from nightmares like this…

Since my wife has already expressed fondness for the Hello Kitty Darth Vader, Hello Kitty cosplay is a real danger. Hello Kitty bras, Hello Kitty shoes and Hello Kitty clothes in general are Hello Kitty Hell enough, but if Hello Kitty cosplay comes into being, Hello Kitty Hell is going to be worse than I ever imagined (and believe me, I’ve imagined some pretty horrendous things….)

From reader HKsweet who should have to put on a Hello Kitty cosplay outfit everyday from now on…

Update: More examples to put far more fear into your life than should be permissible:

Hello Kitty outfit

Sent in by Rebecca

Hello Kitty Strawberry

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It’s bad enough that Hello Kitty comes in all its man-made shapes and forms, but Hello Kitty Hell gets even worse when Hello Kitty appears naturally. Hello Kitty fans believe this is some divine intervention showing that Hello Kitty is loved by all rather than the obvious truth that it was simply a grotesque mutation that should have never appeared on earth. That is the case with this latest photo that was sent to me:

Hello Kitty strawberry

Wife: “That is the cutest thing that I have ever seen. Scientists should really sit down and think of away to genetically make strawberries to look like Hello Kitty. If they did that, everyone would want to buy strawberries.”

There is probably a scientist at Sanrio right now working on a way to make this possible because that is exactly how Hello Kitty Hell works…

Reader hksweet (what the hell is with all these “hk” usernames visiting this blog?) deserves to taste only strawberry for the rest of her life for sending this photo to me (and even more punishment if it ever becomes a cash crop).

Hello Kitty Scarecrow

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Part of Hello Kitty Hell is that people (especially my wife) believe that anything, if turned into Hello Kitty, will automatically be cute. Now I can see that with most things this might be able to be argued (if you happen to like Hello Kitty), but Hello Kitty fanatics take it to a level beyond what is normal. It is beyond me why someone would get the inspiration to create a Hello Kitty scarecrow (then again, this seems to be the normal daily operation of Hello Kitty Hell):

Hello Kitty scarecrow

When I first saw this photo, all I could think was, “Yes, Hello Kitty in a bad horror movie as a scarecrow would be quite fitting and definitely scary.” My wife had a completely different reaction: “Isn’t that cute? I think I’ll make miniature versions for our flower garden!” So now I can expect the images of Hello Kitty scarecrows to come into my nightmares meaning that Hello Kitty will not even leave me alone when I sleep. Yep, another typical example of Hello Kitty expanding her domain in Hello Kitty Hell…

Reader cutesy really should have to dream about this monstrosity every night for sending the photo…

Hello Kitty Bicycle Tire

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There are things that you begin to expect when you live in Hello Kitty Hell. You take for granted that standard items are going to come in a Hello Kitty edition. If they make a Hello Kitty car, it seems pretty obvious they also make a Hello Kitty bicycle:

Hello Kitty bicycle

But Hello Kitty is never satisfied with merely coming in obvious forms. She always takes it a step further by placing her face on items that make you stop and wonder what the hell was someone thinking?!?

Hello Kitty bicycle tire

Then it dawns on you that the person who thought of that knew that there were Hello Kitty fanatics in the world and even though it makes absolutely no sense at all, it will become a best seller and make them a lot of money. Unfortunately, part of those riches are coming from my wife.

wife: “If we get those tires, then we can ride through the mud and we can leave a trail of Hello Kitty where ever we go!”

me: … (unable to utter a sound as I think of how utterly disgusting that thought is)

It seems appropriate in Hello Kitty Hell that Hello Kitty would leave a trail of herself everywhere we went. While that may be a dream for a Hello Kitty fanatic, it is just one more confirmation that no matter how bad you think Hello Kitty Hell can get, there is always something around the corner to remind you the worst is yet to come (it is only a matter of time before they start making Hello Kitty tires for cars…)

I believe that compound punishment should be bestowed when a guy, as in this case with zbicyclist, sends me Hello Kitty photos…there is something very wrong when Hello Kitty Hell takes a step in that direction.

Hello Kitty Stone Statue

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I mentioned earlier about the Hello Kitty gravestone and my worries that I may someday be buried under one. Those fears have come to life as my wife has discovered that you can actually get a nearly 600 pound (270 kg) Hello Kitty stone statue. And all for the bargain price of $3000.

Hello Kitty stone statue

Somehow, my wife is under the impression (delusion?) that a huge Hello Kitty in our yard would somehow be a benefit. I guess that would be the case if we wanted our house value to plummet (then again, we could always market toward other Hello Kitty fanatics). Luckily, she’s a long way off from saving enough for this purchase…but I swear I am the most nervous man on earth each week when the lottery numbers are read on the off chance that she is the winner. Now that would really bring Hello Kitty Hell to new heights…

Update: Oh, what in Hello Kitty Hell could have I ever been thinking?!? My wife just chastised me for pointing out the wrong stone statue she wants – the one she really wants costs a mere $15,000 and weighs 6,600 lbs (3,000 kg).

Hello Kitty Blow Light Update

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It goes to show how terribly ingrained Hello Kitty has become that even some people would assume that something like this exists. While the packaging is real, they obviously made a huge spelling mistake when producing it. I assume what they wanted to write was “Glow Light”

Hello Kitty glow light

So, while this is a real product, it’s not the product I described in the previous post (look at the date it was posted).

I would like to thank the numerous readers who emailed me (and continue to do so that I needed to link to this post to get them to stop) to get more information about the “blow light” not safe for work directions listed on the back, but unfortunately, there are none. Although I do have some questions about the people reading this blog 😉

This response leads me to believe there may be a market out there for something like that which I’m sure someone will fill someday. As long as I never have to see it…

Hello Kitty Blow Light

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There is weird Hello Kitty stuff, and then there is weird Hello Kitty stuff. This is one of the strangest I’ve come across sent in by HK-S&M. It’s the Hello Kitty blow light and if you’re into weird sex toys, this is the one for you.

Hello Kitty blow light sex toy

Since this is a somewhat family friendly site, I’m not going to go into the gory details of how this works, but you can use your imagination. This was a Xmas gift sent out by Sanrio to sex shops across Japan this past year. Hello Kitty is a Santa and on the bottom there is a strategically placed opening for men to use…and on completion of their deed, there is a chemical reaction that lights up the figure to let everyone know you’re done and it has been used (I know, that’s probably more description than you wanted to know…it certainly was way more than I ever wanted to find out…)

The direction of use is printed on the back, but again, they aren’t really family friendly diagrams. If you want to see them, you can see them here (warning, they are adult oriented and not safe for work)

Only in Japan would they come up with something Hello Kitty like this and it brings my fear in Hello Kitty Hell to an entire new level of what photos might show up in my email next…

Hello Kitty Sex Toy ??

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Maybe it wasn’t obvious to me simply because I’m a man, but I had no idea what this Hello Kitty item was when I first saw it. Actually, something did come to mind and it scared the Hello Kitty Hell out of me, but fortunately I was way off base (kind of like the Hello Kitty condom that ended up being cheese) Yes, I realize now that it’s a far stretch to assume it was a sex toy, but I’m a guy and our minds are perpetually in the gutter and when viewed from a distance…

Hello Kitty sex toy??

Now I assume the women will know what this is (my wife just shook her head when I had no idea — but at least I was smart enough not to say what I thought — that would have really caused a Hello Kitty Hell incident). So if there are any guys that read this blog, make me feel better that I’m not the only stupid person that had no clue what it is.

Hello Kitty (Official) Pantie Liners

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Ah, the joys of having people send random Hello Kitty photos my way. Now not only do I know that there are unofficial Hello Kitty pantie liners, I also know that Kotex makes official Hello Kitty pantie liners (at least in China). I can already hear the conversation that is coming once my wife stumbles across this….”We can fly over on the Hello Kitty airline, pick up all kinds of Hello Kitty goods that aren’t available in Japan (like there aren’t enough here?!?) and have a great Hello Kitty time.”

Hello Kitty Kotex Panty Liners

Thanks (I think) to hellokittydarling (someone with that name should not be reading my blog)

Hello Kitty Skeleton

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After my last post, I wondered if anything might shed a little stream of light into Hello Kitty Hell, and frankly, I wasn’t optimistic. That was until I saw what Hello Kitty looks like underneath all that “cuteness” and I realized that, yep, that was about what I expected. My wife was less thrilled with the rendering that Michael Paulus created:

These Icons are usually grotesquely distorted from the human form from which they derive. Being that they are so commonplace and accepted as existing I thought I would dissect them like science does to all living objects – trying to come to an understanding as to their origins and true physiological make up. Possibly to better understand them and see them in a new light for what they are in the most basic of terms.

Hello Kitty Skeleton overlay

Hello Kitty Skeleton

I must admit that I prefer the skeletal image of Hello Kitty much better than the one that my wife loves so much. I think I’ll keep this image in my head each time I see Hello Kitty from now on 🙂