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Hello Kitty Wedding Folder

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This came in my email today:

Hi

My fiance is obsessed with hello kitty and subsequently I’ve been reading your site for a while. First it started as some hello kitty pocky, then cuddly toys and has progressed to so called “designer” clothing and jewelry. But now it has reach an all new level of depravity, as I have mentioned she is my fiance and i love her dearly however when planning the wedding she has let slip that she plans to have hello kitty centerpieces and cake, as well as telling me that once the wedding has been paid for she will be buying some of the “super cute” home appliance’s and furniture.

I understand that there is no hope for you but perhaps you can save the rest of us from your fate! Is there a way to stop the spiral in to hello kitty hell?

All the best
Tom

Included with the email were the following photos of his fiance’s wedding folder:

hello kitty wedding folder

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Hello Kitty Melon

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One would assume that having the evil feline cut out fruit in the shape of her face and marketing fruit under her own brand (and we aren’t going to even touch the Hello Kitty banana cover) would be enough to satisfy her fruitful dominance cravings, but that, of course, would be highly underestimating what Hello Kitty has in store. She actually wants her face branded into all fruits (hey, if it is good enough for people…) with the Hello Kitty melon as the launching off point:

hello kitty melon gift

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Hello Kitty Pancakes

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I have an aversion to any Hello Kitty and pancakes combination since it was the Hello Kitty pancake maker that made me realise that I had entered into Hello Kitty Hell. I can tell you from experience that there is not a better way to completely ruin someone’s day than to serve them up a Hello Kitty pancake:

hello kitty pancake

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Hello Kitty Pedicure

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It is already well established that Hello Kitty fanatics love their claws. One would assume seeing that sampling of what Hello Kitty fanatics are willing to do to their nails pretty much sums up the worst of the worst, but that would be highly underestimating Hello Kitty fanatics. Case in point: the Hello Kitty pedicure:

hello kitty pedicure

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Hello Kitty Keltec Pistol

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Note: Sanrio legal counsel has contacted me because they realize that their fans are not bright enough to know what is an official Sanrio product and what is not. They didn’t feel that this would be a problem until the fans started contacting them directly, and they soon realized how painful it was to actually have to converse with a fanatic, and not even they had the patience to actually do this. As a result, they sent out a notice to me begging for me to take down my posts about guns that had the evil feline on them just so they didn’t have to ever correspond with the fanatics again. When I explained that they brought it on themselves, they pleaded that I spare them the torture that they inflict on me on a daily basis and asked me to post the following, Since I actually have a conscience, here is what they have to say:

Sanrio® has informed us that Sanrio is not involved in the manufacture or sale of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, and does not allow Hello Kitty® to be used to market guns or weapons. The items shown in this post are either digitally fabricated images or were custom-decorated without Sanrio’s permission. Sanrio alleges that creating false digitized images of Hello Kitty guns or weapons, or custom-decorating a real gun or weapon with Hello Kitty art, infringes Sanrio’s copyrights and trademarks, and may violate criminal laws.

And onto the original post…

While one would assume that Hello Kitty had enough weaponry in her current collection, she feels the need to continue to add to it (further proof that she plans to start her own army) every chance she gets. The latest weapon to be added to her cache is the Hello Kitty Keltec plr-16 pistol:

hello kitty pistol

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Hello Kitty Porcelain Figurines

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You know that Hello Kitty Hell has gone way beyond reasonable when I keep getting press releases from manufacturers about their new Hello Kitty products. I was never sure exactly what they wanted me to do with them since it was obvious that a site not fond of the evil feline really wouldn’t want to print the false drivel that comes in these press releases.

Then it dawned on me. They must be sending me these press releases so that I can rewrite them to accurately reflect the truth of the situation. Now that is something that I can do:

hello kitty porcelain

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Hello Kitty Wheelchair

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There is not much in life that I can be thankful to the evil feline for, but one thing is that I will never get sick again. I already made this decision when I ran into the Hello Kitty scrubs (or if I do, I will just let myself die instead of letting myself suffer through what I will likely find at the hospital which will undoubtedly will be far more painful). The latest device one has to fear if they should happen to hurt themselves is the Hello Kitty wheelchair (with interchangeable Hello Kitty wheelchair spoke guards so that you can suffer — and makes all those around you do so as well — in multi colors)

hello kitty wheelchair

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Hello Kitty Graduation Cap

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It’s when I get emails like this that I fear for the future generations of the human race. There really should be a rule at every college that if you feel that Hello Kitty should be on your graduation cap when you are about to graduate, you forfeit your degree and have to begin your education from kindergarten again:

hello kitty graduation cap

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Hello Kitty Briefs

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Living in Hello Kitty Hell ensures that there are plenty of mentally traumatic experiences that have to be survived on a regular basis. That being said, some of these are much more traumatic than others. The existence of Hello Kitty low rise underwear for men was one such instance and became even more traumatic when a variety of themed Hello Kitty underwear showed up at our door.

Now most people would see the above as proof that the evil feline had finally reached her limits. Of course, they would be wrong. Hello Kitty is always able to make something that one would assume could never get worse, oh so much more so. The Hello Kitty men’s skimpy briefs are further proof of this:

hello kitty manties

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