One mans hell with cute overload
If you live in Hello Kitty Hell, eBay is by far the worst website ever invented. Not only did it make my entire Hello Kitty Hell possible, but it constantly brings more of the evil feline to my door on a daily basis such as this Hello Kitty build a cake set:
It’s bad enough that my wife ends up making me Hello Kitty bentos for my lunch when I go out, but now when they aren’t wrapped in Hello Kitty handkerchiefs, I have to carry them in Hello Kitty lunch bags.
For those of you who may not be aware, Valentine’s Day is celebrated a bit differently in Japan than it is in the US. In Japan, men don’t buy anything on Valentine’s Day – it is only women that buy chocolate or candy for men (then men reciprocate on March 14th on what is called “White Day”) Now one would make the logical assumption that since it is men that will be receiving the chocolate on Valentine’s Day, there would be no need for Hello Kitty Valentine’s Day chocolate, but alas, we are once again referring to Hello kitty where logic has never ruled the day. Thus, there is plenty of Valentine Day chocolate:
You might be able to imagine what my Valentine Day looked like. As my wife passed me box after box of Valentine’s Day chocolate, I had to greatly stifle the cringes that reflexively crossed my face as the evil feline time and again appeared on the chocolate (let it be said that there are way too many Hello Kitty chocolate Valentines in this world and I think I received them all…) Of course, I’m not actually allowed to eat any of this chocolate because as my wife said, “It’s too cute to eat. We should enjoy looking at it.”
I now have a shelf full of Hello Kitty Valentine chocolate staring back at me as I write this post which I can’t eat and will have to stare at for the rest of the month (at which point it will probably be packed away, but I still won’t be able to eat it). I know that it’s going to be a Hello Kitty Hellish rest of the month when I’m already hoping that my computer catches on fire and in the process melts all the Hello Kitty Valentines so I have a good excuse not to have to look at them anymore…
Photo sent in by Monica who deserves unthinkable torture for sending me this and forcing me to look at yet another Hello Kitty chocolate valentine on this most depressing day…
In my wife’s never ending quest to make as much of our food Hello Kittified as possible, she recently purchased moulds that turn hard boiled eggs into Hello Kitty’s face:
Believe me, there is nothing more frightening that waking up in the morning, walking to the breakfast table still half asleep, sitting down only to have Hello Kitty face eggs staring back at you…
Photo sent in by hellosis who really should have to have all her food in the shape of Hello Kitty so she can suffer the same terror as I have to for reminding me of the nightmare I experienced only a few days previously…
I made a comment in one of my previous posts that Hello Kitty is on everything except pizza and beer and that in time, she will probably be on those too. Well, it seems that one of those can be crossed off the list with the introduction of Hello Kitty pizza:
There aren’t many things in life that can stop me from eating pizza, but this is one of them. There is something seriously wrong in the world when pizza is being made in the shape of the evil feline’s head with a slab of mystery meat as her bow.
Of course, this plays right into my wife’s ultimate goal of serving only Hello Kitty food and she is already searching the local stores to see if we can get some to try. Yet one more reason to note that things can always get worse in Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by Andrea who really should have to eat only Hello Kitty food for the rest of her life for thinking that it could in any way be a good idea to bring this to my wife’s attention.
Update: Even after all this, people think that attempts at Hello Kitty pizza is a good idea:
Sent in by Gloria
Sent in by joe (via capitu)
Sent in my renaldo
Sent in by sally
Sent in by Amy
When emails like this show up in my mailbox, I know it’s going to be a Hello Kitty Hellish day. Anything Hello Kitty is bad enough, but when you combine Hello Kitty with something else my wife likes (such as pastries or sweets), then things get a bit out of control. So it was no surprise that my wife is doubly determined to make it to Taiwan (via Hello Kitty airline and through Hello Kitty airport) to get dessert at a pastry shop dedicated to Hello Kitty:
There really should be a law dictating that Hello Kitty themed shops should not be allowed to exist. These are the worst for those who live with a Hello Kitty fanatic because it’s a “destination place” and there is never anything good that can come about when you are taking a trip with the sole purpose of going to a Hello Kitty themed shop.
Having been dragged to themed shops like this more than my fair share of times, you quickly learn the types of people that are there. Obviously, the place is overrun with Hello Kitty fanatics which can often be worse than the themed store itself. Then there are the partners of the fanatics that fall into one of two categories. Most are the young men that think that by taking the Hello Kitty fanatic to the Hello Kitty themed shop, they are going to get some that evening not knowing the hellish path they have chosen to take. The others are like me who fervently try to warn the younger men to bail out asap or get ready for a life of Hello Kitty Hell.
It is in places like this where lives of Hello Kitty Hell begin…
Sent in by ed (via daisy’s blog) who really should have to eat all his meals at Hello Kitty themed shops for even thinking for a second that sending this to me would be a good idea…
Just one more indication that Hello Kitty fans can’t leave even a bad idea alone. I was already cringing at the Hello Kitty flower bouquets, but there was no way that the evil feline would stop at that. Instead, she morphed the bouquet from flowers to fruit creating a Hello Kitty edible fruit bouquet:
Yes, those are Hello Kitty pineapple shapes which again takes another bad idea (Hello Kitty Fruit) and takes it to another level by making it into the evil feline’s image. I’m sure if one of these ever arrives at our house, I will have to weigh whether it’s simply better to trash it immediately or first violently bite Hello Kitty’s head off, both of which would likely relegate me to the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag for a long period of time.
Even worse, it all comes in a keepsake tin so that you have to remember the horrifying experience every time I see it (there is something about these keepsakes that Hello Kitty fanatics absolutely love which of course only deepens the Hello Kitty Hell pit).
Of course, my wife loves it and thinks that it’s a brilliant idea. “Who wouldn’t want to receive a fruit basket filled with Hello Kitty?” which pretty much means I’m going to have to face this monstrosity at some point in the future. Just one more thing to look forward to in Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by Mike who should have to eat all his food in the shape of Hello Kitty for even having the notion that sending this to me would be a good idea…
Update: Worse than these actually existing is that some people think it’s a good idea to purchase them and give as a gift:
Sent in by Caitlin
I miss forks. Living in Japan where we use chopsticks all the time and stabbing food with them is considered extremely rude, you aren’t able to pull something like this off and be able to claim to the Hello Kitty fanatic next to you that you had no intention of inflicting any harm to the evil feline in any way:
Sent in by Pilar (via Richy!) who deserves a beer if we ever meet for letting me imagine that I will be able to do something like this to take out my frustration and get away with it if I’m ever forced to fly on the Hello Kitty airline…
You may remember me telling you about the pimped out Hello Kitty cell phone that my wife had made and my embarrassing experience in the grocery store with it a couple of months back. My wife was quite distressed to learn that I wasn’t kidding when I said I couldn’t find the Hello Kitty sausages because our local store stopped selling them (yes, there is one sane store manager who was able to stand up to Sanrio in Japan). That means that my wife has been on a crusade to try to find a new place to get them since and, to her joy (and my chagrin) she was able to locate them the other day:
I still am not sure why we have to have Hello Kitty on our food (it’s another one of those Hello Kitty fanatic things that no normal person will ever be able to comprehend) and even with the pleasure of getting to chomp my teeth into her and grind her up, it doesn’t make up for the nauseating experience of having to look at her on my plate.
The finding of the Hello Kitty sausages somehow revived talk of only eating Hello Kitty food again (a nightmare scenario that I have been praying would somehow fade away, but always seems to reappear to send chills down my spine). All I know is that if this idea transpires into reality, Hello Kitty Hell will have progressed to new depths that I don’t even want to imagine.
While I already know that Hello Kitty produces the most useless products in the world, I had failed to see up to this point the grand scheme of Hello Kitty’s total take over. If you have a Hello Kitty banana cover, of course you must cover a Hello Kitty banana with it:
“Why in the world would anyone need a Hello Kitty banana?” is probably a cleaned up G-rated version of what just popped into your head upon seeing this (unless, of course, you are a Hello Kitty fanatic to which you think this us yet, the greatest thing ever). I mean seriously, why would anyone buy Hello Kitty brand bananas, right?
wife: “Because obviously (giving that look like I’m the stupidest person on earth and why does she have to explain the obvious to a grown man) they are the sweetest bananas produced.”
This, of course, has my wife thinking once again that an all Hello Kitty food diet would be a good thing for us and that is a step further into Hello Kitty Hell…
Thanks to Heather who should not only have to eat Hello Kitty bananas for the rest of her life, but carry them around in the Hello Kitty banana protector as well for sending me this photo.