Hello Kitty

How To Be Like Hello Kitty Guide

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It’s stuff like this that scares the freaking Hello Kitty Hell out of me. I knew I was going to have nightmares as soon as I read the first sentence of this post:

“Have you ever felt the weird urge to be like Hello Kitty?”

Of course, now it’s like a train wreck. I know I don’t want to see any more, I know that I’m going to regret seeing any more and I know that I’m going to have terrible nightmares about anything beyond this first sentence that I do see. I know that I should simply stick my fingers into my eye sockets and rip them out because this gesture will be 100 times less painful than what I’m about to read, yet against all common sense my eyes drift to the next lines in the post:

1. Put your hair in two pigtails above your ears and put the little girl bow clips in your hair.
2. Get a jumper that goes down to your knees and wear it everyday.
3. Get all your friends call you “Kitty” though this could be taken wrong.
4. Learn to make Kitty’s expression of amazement.
5. When your sad, make your eyes big, get out one tear and pout.
6. Wear a lot of bright pink blush in little stripes over your cheekbones like Kitty when she blushes.
7. Always split things with your friends.
8. Talk in a little voice all the time.
9. Go to the park on your bike a lot.

I couldn’t go any farther. Some train wrecks are just too awful and gruesome and you have to turn away and that is exactly what I did. While a post about how to be like Hello Kitty is bad enough, the fact that people actually want to be her makes the entire concept well beyond wrong. Of course, my wife thinks that this is an absolutely normal and typical thing that any human being would want to do which simply reinforces the Hello Kitty Hell I live in…

Sent in by Patty who should actually have to read that post daily and attempt to follow it for even thinking it was remotely a good idea for her to send me a link to that post…

Hello Kitty Airport

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If you are a non Hello Kitty fanatic, you probably can’t conceive of anything worse than flying on a Hello Kitty airplane for the holidays, but when it comes to the Hell that Hello Kitty places all Hello Kitty fanatic partners into, a Hello Kitty airplane would never suffice. If you’re going to go to the trouble of building a Hello Kitty airplane, you might as well also build a Hello Kitty airport:

Hello Kitty airport

Hello Kitty airport

Hello Kitty airport

Hello Kitty airport

Hello Kitty airport

While my wife thinks that this is the greatest idea in the world and now wants to travel on the Hello Kitty airplane even more, this is the type of thing that places the last straw on the camel’s back before breaking it. It would not surprise me in the least bit if they have to provide numerous Hello Kitty barf bags to all the Hello Kitty fanatic partners who are forced to suffer through this.

While I don’t normally support terrorist actions, if a group decided to take over this airport and bomb the building, I think they would be doing a service to mankind and receive the support of millions of people for whatever cause they may have. Since this is unlikely to happen, and since at some point I’m going to be forced to endure this torture, if you happen to see some guy continually barfing into a Hello Kitty barf bag in a corner attempting to shield himself of all the horror surrounding him, feel free to give your sympathy (while bringing some extra barf bags) to someone living in Hello Kitty Hell — it just might be me…

Sent in by Kitty Baby, who should have to live in that airport for the rest of her life for even thinking for a moment it would be a good idea to send me these photos…

Hello Kitty Chinese Wedding Day

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Another doomed man to Hello Kitty Hell that has no idea what he has gotten himself into…

Hello Kitty Chinese wedding

The problem with Hello Kitty fanatics is that they are perfectly willing to humiliate their partner and place them into the depths of Hello Kitty Hell from day one and see absolutely nothing wrong with it (because wouldn’t everybody want to dress up as Hello Kitty?). Here is the explanation in the email:

On our wedding day, according to Chinese traditions, the groom will come to “collect” the bride from her parents house. But before he gets to see her, he has to play games and do stupid things before he is allowed through the gate to see his bride. I made the Hello Kitty head for him to wear complete with collar and bell :))…I was laughing the whole time I was sewing it.

Of course, my wife thought it was “sweet” and “adorable” – two words that were quite the opposite of how I would describe the situation. My sympathies go out to this man because what this poor soul doesn’t realize is that what he assumed was a one-time gag for fun is now the reality of the rest of his life…

Sent in by Gayle, who really should have to wear that costume each day for the rest of her life for thinking it was a good thing to send me this photo and whose husband is free to write for this blog at any time…

Hello Kitty Fanatic Fiance Doom

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He’s doomed…

I too am a fellow sufferer in the depths of hello kitty hell. my fiance is a hello kitty fanatic of the highest caliber. (we are going to honeymoon in Japan, see if you can guess why)

I find myself torn between the love of my fiance and my hatred toward hello kitty. I’m a fan of you blog and it has prepared me for life with my own hello kitty fanatic.

If I had not had your experience to learn from I would have thought nothing of my fiance buying a hello kitty sleeping bag. When faced with my impending doom I became fear drunk and decided I needed to accept hello kitty into my life and preform some large gesture to cement my loyalty.

I agreed to get a hello kitty tattoo. Whats worse is that I’m a Norse Pagan and I agreed to get a tattoo of hello kitty made to look like Odin.(one doesn’t exist so i have to design it myself)

I’m risking retribution from the All Father in order to avoid the hello kitty sleeping bag. I was wondering if what I’m doing is a little too extreme, and if so how can I go back on my agreement without my lawyer having to draw up hello kitty divorce papers.

Help me please – Tony

All I can say is that this blog is only the tip of the iceberg and doesn’t even do Hello Kitty Hell true justice. If he thinks that reading this has prepared him, he’s in even more trouble than he knows. My advice: Feel free to contribute any time you want 😉

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume VII

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Oh, you don’t think it would stop at a single Halloween costume sent to me in December, would you?

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

Of course not, this is Hello Kitty Hell. Once again we see Hello Kitty fanatics that are dressing up like Hello Kitty’s twin sister Mimmy (you know that Hello Kitty Hell is reaching all time lows when I am lecturing Hello Kitty fanatics that they aren’t dressing properly as Hello Kitty — damn, someone shoot me and put me out of my misery right now…) whether on purpose or mistake. It really doesn’t matter because to anyone who sees it, it’s terrifying either way…

Sent in by alison who should have to suffer a lifetime of lectures on proper fashion from the evil feline herself for even thinking it was a good idea to send this photo to me.

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume VI

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Yes, it’s December and I’m still getting Halloween costume photos sent to me:

Hello Kitty Halloween costume

I took one look at this and thought, “You know, this looks like a torture device that they would use on terrorists to suffocate them into submission” and the minute I did, it occurred to me that is exactly what Hello Kitty does…combine still getting Halloween costume photos in December with that and it pretty much sums up Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Jenn who should have to wear that mask tied extra tightly at the neck for the rest of the year for thinking it was a good idea to send me this Halloween photo…

Hello Kitty Car License Plate

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There really should be some kind of law that people can’t get personalized license plates like this:

Hello Kitty license plate

Of course, my wife wants one for our always increasingly Hello Kitty pimped out car (I’ve been avoiding writing about it lately because it is getting so depressing), but luck is on my side on this one — they currently don’t offer personalized license plates in Japan. Of course, the minute they do, we all know what’s going to happen…

Sent in by Jo “Hello Kitty” Cook — I should wish a terrible act would fall upon her for even thinking it was a good idea to send this to me like I usually do, but I really can’t think of anything worse than changing your name to “Hello Kitty” …

It was bound to happen — because after all this is Hello Kitty Hell — this showed up in my email immediately after posting this (which just goes to show that way too many Hello Kitty fanatics read this blog…):

Hello Kitty license plate

From Nicola

Hello Kitty Candy Tattoo

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The flow of Hello Kitty tattoos into my email box continues unabated for reasons I cannot fathom other than Hello Kitty fanatics think it is fun to nauseate me on a regular basis. The latest in the growing list is a Hello Kitty candy tattoo:

Hello Kitty candy tattoo

I like sweets as much as the next person, but you know when you eat too much and that sugar high quickly turns into an overwhelming feeling that all contents in your stomach should no longer be there. That is what it basically feels like to live in Hello Kitty Hell all the time making this tattoo aptly appropriate (although it would be more accurate with the vomit aftermath at the bottom).

Even worse, it doesn’t look like it is going to stop here:

I went threw 6 hours of pain for this and I will do it again!! And thank you for giving me more ideas for more Hello Kitty Tattoos.

Of course, my wife loves it. “Hello Kitty is always surrounded by sweetness. How could you not love a tattoo like that?”

Let me count the ways…

Sent in by Melissa who deserves a whole lot more than 6 hours of pain for thinking it was a good idea to email this to me…

Hello Kitty Swarovski Crystal Covered Bike

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It’s when I receive emails like this that I know it’s really going to be a Hello Kitty Hell day. I’ve noticed a growing trend of Hello Kitty fanatics modding their stuff so that they can have the only (and most expensive) of that certain kind of item. Thus it was not a surprise (although it still made me want to run to the toilet) when this arrived in me email box:

Hello Kitty bike

Hello Kitty bike

Hello Kitty bike

I’m not sure what it is with Hello Kitty and Swarovski crystals, but this is definitely a Hello Kitty fanatic thing (see my wife’s modded cell phone). I think that Sanrio and Swarovski have secretly teamed up after discovering some special region of the brain in Hello Kitty fanatics which goes into overdrive when the two are combined while the rest of us normal folks are left staring at stinging bling that makes us want to cut our eyes out because doing so would be less painful.

What’s worse is the Hello Kitty fanatic is totally proud of this monstrosity:

I got the most expensive Hello Kitty bike on the planet! I spent one year covering my Hello Kitty bike in Swarovski crystals. Literally thousands of dollars were spent and it has approximately 50,000 crystals on it.

Yep, that pretty well sums up a Hello Kitty fanatic. Of course, my wife loves it. “It shines and sparkles bringing Hello Kitty brightness wherever she goes. Isn’t that wonderful?” I was tempted to answer, but decided that now that winter is here, it’s no fun to sleep alone on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag…

Sent in by Dottie who should have the the good fortune to have this pimped out contraption stolen, but who is safe with it because I can’t imagine that anyone (including the worst criminal elements) would ever want to be seen with something like that…

Hello Kitty Urinal Target

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Just when you think that Hello Kitty can’t possibly appear someplace more inappropriate than where she has already ventured, she once again shows that things can always get worse. It’s not often that I’m sent an e-mail with a Hello Kitty product that I’m not sure if I should despise or love — that is the current internal conflict that continues to rage within me in regard to the Hello Kitty urinal target.

Hello Kitty urinal targets

Hello Kitty urinal target

There is something that is just completely wrong about any Hello Kitty item that invades a men’s bathroom which leads me to believe that I should despise this product. That being said, along with the fact that I have to see Hello Kitty every second in every other place that I go, the thought of being able to piss all over Hello Kitty (as she encourages me to do so) has quite a satisfying appeal to it and why I may be in love with this Hello Kitty product.

Of course something like this would never work at home. First off, installing a home urinal, while it would be fantastic from my point of view (and I assume any man’s, really), is not something that my wife (or any other woman) is going to let happen — even if there are Hello Kitty urinal targets. On the off chance that she did, there is absolutely no way that I would ever be able to use it as intended (see Hello Kitty toilet paper).

I can already imagine if I had accidentally come across this myself. After having a few too many beers to drink, I too would wander into a bathroom to relieve myself to find Hello Kitty staring back at me out of the urinal. At that moment one of two things would happen: 1) I’d freak out with the realization that there is absolutely no escape from the evil feline and would immediately be rushed to a mental hospital. 2) I would see my chance to piss all over Hello Kitty, do so and then go back and drink as much as I could so I could do it again and again. This would eventually leave me either passed out at the bar or back at home with the worst hangover ever. Either way, I’d end up losing in the end which is pretty much par for the course when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Thanks to Steve who I will definitely go out and have a few beers with (and possible many more) if I’m ever in Spokane just so that I can have the pleasure of pissing on Hello Kitty while being able to justify it even to a Hello Kitty fanatic…