The truth finally slips out in a 35th Anniversary Mad Scientist display in Macau. Called Hello Kitty Evolution, we see the way that the evil feline spreads her paws to Kittify one place after another (click on image to enlarge):
Business
Hello Kitty Netbook
I should have learned by now that it’s never a good idea to make a random comment about something I want since I live in Hello Kitty Hell. I have been doing more traveling lately which has had me thinking that I really need to buy a netbook so I don’t have to haul around my clunky laptop where ever I go. I mentioned this to my wife who took it upon herself to research and inform me of the Hello Kitty netbooks out there that would be perfect for me and which she wants to buy for me as a gift:
Hello Kitty Politics Credit Card
While it’s never good when Hello Kitty shows up on TV, it is double troubling when she shows up in a political debate on TV. When your political leaders feel it’s necessary to use Hello Kitty to make any point, you know it’s pretty much time to give up on the world ever being a hospitable place for any normal living being to dwell:
Hello Kitty Desk
You really don’t know Hello Kitty Hell until a true Hello Kitty fanatic is in your presence on a daily basis. Imagine, for instance, that you had a co-worker that was a Hello Kitty fanatic. You might be saying to yourself, “oh, I know someone that likes the evil feline” but they really aren’t a Hello Kitty fanatic unless they have decorated their desk like this:
Hello Kitty Hole Punch
One of the worst things about Hello Kitty is the sheer abundance of terribly annoying crap that the evil feline produces. A perfect example of this is the Hello Kitty hole punch:
Hello Kitty Gold Pocket Calendar
Well, you can’t say that Sanrio doesn’t beat themes to death when they know that Hello kitty fanatics will line up to buy the most useless things. With Hello Kitty fanatics already purchasing the Hello Kitty gold business card, the Hello Kitty gold personal business card and even a set of Hello Kitty gold playing cards, how is a Hello Kitty fanatic to resist the Hello Kitty gold pocket calendar?
The pocket calendar card is covered with 0.6 grams of 99.99% gold – who else but Hello Kitty would charge $57 (6,300 yen) for you to find out the date? Of course, you probably already know why this scares the hell out of me. With Sanrio’s current quest to cover everything you put into your purse with 99.99% gold, it shouldn’t be long before they apply this to the Hello Kitty condom and make a special set of them as well – and that really would be Hello Kitty Hell…
Hello Kitty Bank Account
This really shouldn’t come as a surprise. I mean, you can already get Hello Kitty credit cards and Hello Kitty checks, so it really isn’t that far of a reach to combine them together, throw in some exclusive stationary and watch the Hello Kitty fanatics come stampeding to the doors to open up a Hello Kitty bank account:
While it isn’t too hard to see the irony of a savings account created by a character whose sole purpose is to separate you from your money, it still will likely be a grand success since Hello Kitty fanatics can’t resist anything that’s Hello Kitty. The banking account does seem to me to come with the perfectly appropriate logo for a Hello Kitty bank account: A big Hello Kitty in blue flipping you off.
Yes, I realize that this is merely the “classic” Hello Kitty style, but it seems to me that the creators at Sanrio knew where things were going and planted a little humor into her design (or reality in the case of those of us living in Hello Kitty Hell).
So what exactly do you get for opening a Hello Kitty bank account?
Dah Sing Bank brings to you the first Hello Kitty Consolidated Account. This Hello Kitty account integrates the benefits of both a savings & checking account and you will receive all the associated Hello Kitty stationery: a unique Hello Kitty monthly statement, and an ATM card & cheque book, so you can enjoy managing your finances with Hello Kitty.
Upon opening a Hello Kitty Consolidated Account, you can enjoy a Hello Kitty statement, ATM Card and Cheque Book specially designed for fans of Hello Kitty. The ATM card will also be provided free of charge so that you can enjoy yourself while managing your finances with this adorable Hello Kitty stationery.
I’m sure that Hello Kitty will be the one enjoying herself as you manage your finances with her as she subliminally sends you messages to spend all your money on her. Of course, my wife thinks this is a wonderful idea and wishes that she could get an account like this at a bank near us which means they will likely be sprouting up left and right in the years to come. Just one more thing to look forward to in Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by several readers including Jennifer, hksings, dmorph and ley (via dah sing bank) who all should just turn all your money over to the evil feline right now for even thinking that showing something like this to my wife would be a good idea.
Hello Kitty Paper Shredder
I have come to the conclusion that one of the most important skill sets when you live in Hello Kitty Hell is to learn how to keep your mouth shut on things you need and buy them yourself. While I have become quite good at this over the years, every once in awhile I slip up with horrifying results. May I introduce you to the Hello Kitty paper shredder:
It is almost always the office that gets me in trouble with slips of what I need. I mean, seriously, who in their right mind would ever get office equipment that has been Hello Kittified? But apparently there are enough Hello Kitty fanatics out there to make it worthwhile to Hello Kittify even the most mundane office supplies.
Thus after making an offhanded comment last week that we really needed to get a paper shredder one of these days, the Hello Kitty paper shredder was waiting for me in my office when I came back from an errand. Of course, my wife was smiling from ear to ear anxiously waiting to see what I thought of it. “Isn’t it the cutest thing ever? Hello Kitty will help protect us from identity thieves.” (I manged to mumble something that satisfied her enough that it kept me out of the Hello Kitty sleeping bag)
While there is something wrong with every Hello Kitty item, there is just something downright wrong with having a Hello Kitty paper shredder. Every time I go to shred something, I get this overwhelming fear that the shredder is going to bounce up and catch hold of my hand or a piece of my clothing because you know if it was a movie, it would be the “cute” Hello Kitty shredder that ends up maiming and mutilating everyone.
I had a friend stop by who saw the thing and he just stood there shaking his head. A couple hours later I get a call with him laughing so hard he can’t stop: “Every time I walk by the shredder at work, I think of that thing you have and start laughing. It’s so sad that it’s hilarious…” (with more uncontrollable laughter)
Which I think is a pretty good summary of Hello Kitty Hell now that I think about it…
Hello Kitty Gold Business Card Personalized
You knew that Sanrio wouldn’t stop at one – it’s not in their character to fail to beat something to complete death when there are Hello Kitty fanatics ready to pay out big dollars for useless crap. To help celebrate the 33rd anniversary of Hello Kitty (like they really need an excuse to launch this stuff – they might as well declare everyday Hello kitty day and use that as an excuse), they have revived the pure gold business card, but now will personalize it with your name and address for the small sum of $110 (12,600 Yen)
To make matters worse, they have decided to release two different patterns of the card and then give fanatics the choice of English or Japanese lettering for their name making 4 different options for the Hello kitty fanatic to choose from. Since we have already established that Hello Kitty fanatics don’t make choices, but get one of everything, the result is over $400 for 4 gold business cards.
For the vast majority of us, we take one look at this business card and know it is completely useless. We think that Sanrio has finally lost their marbles and there is no way that this could possibly be a success (then again, that is exactly what we thought about the Hello Kitty business card). Of course, this common sense has no effect on the Hello Kitty fanatic. “It makes a perfect matching pair with the Hello Kitty business card. My business card right next to Hello Kitty’s business card. It shows how close we are to each other.”
You know that you are living in Hello Kitty Hell when your wife can explain with a straight face the reasons that getting a $110 gold Hello Kitty business card makes perfect sense…
Hello Kitty Slinky
When I first saw this, I thought I might have some fun making it go down long flights of stairs until it eventually showed the wear and tear of countless missteps along the way. No such luck because it isn’t a Hello Kitty slinky:
but a Hello Kitty letter holder. So instead of getting to rough Hello Kitty up, I have to see her each day as my wife has decided to place all my mail into it when it comes. Just like Hello Kitty Hell to give me a glimmer of hope that I could actually abuse Hello Kitty, and then have the hope quickly taken away…