One mans hell with cute overload
It seems to me that if there was one area that Hello Kitty wouldn’t be able to Hello Kittify everything, it would be the construction business. Of course, the evil feline continues to break any and all boundaries of decency so I guess it shouldn’t come as a surprise that there is a Hello Kitty power sander:
It’s never good to offer to help around the house when you live with a Hello Kitty fanatic. Even a simple “is there anything I can do to help clean?” will inevitably result in the evil feline forcing herself upon you. Case and point: Hello Kitty mop slippers:
I always know when I receive photos like these that it’s going to be another Hello Kitty Hellish day. It’s not like my wife doesn’t already have a hundred Hello Kitty reasons to want to visit Taiwan. Between the Hello Kitty plane and airport, the Hello Kitty hotel, the Hello Kitty pastry shop and Hello Kitty hospital, there are already far too many reasons to go there for my taste, but then Hello Kitty can never stop at anything. Thus, another attraction to add to my wife’s list is the Hello Kitty Ferris wheel:
My wife somehow thinks that a ride in a Hello Kitty Ferris wheel would be romantic (but then for some reason, all Hello Kitty fanatics think anything Hello Kitty is romantic). The fact is, there is nothing that would be less romantic than having to ride in around and around inside the bowels of the evil while people all around scream in high pitched voices about how “cute” the entirely disgusting scene is. Unfortunately, this has been added to her Hello kitty travel list, so I will undoubtedly get to experience the torture first hand someday in the future which only increases the torment here in Hello Kitty Hell…
Sent in by Sherry who should have to live the rest of her life trapped in one of those Ferris wheel compartments for even thinking for a second that sending these photos to me would be a good idea….
Once again, Sanrio and Hello Kitty provide another items that instantly becomes a front-runner for the most useless product in the world. Of course, this makes no difference to my wife that has her heart set on one of these Hello Kitty electronic toilet paper dispensers for Christmas:
In classic Hello Kitty sales pitch style, the advertising copy trumps the low cost of using this device which only uses $1 a year in power to operate. Of course, that savings has little meaning when the unit itself costs approximately $220 (24,000 yen) which Hello Kitty seems to have conveniently forgotten while explaining how energy efficient the gadget is. And what do you get for that $220? The Hello Kitty toilet paper dispenser can be pre-program so that your exact favorite length of toilet paper will appear when pressing the button. That’s right. You can choose one of nine different length settings (each 20 centimeters difference) so that you never have more or less toilet paper than you really want for $220 and $1 a year in energy costs (if the thing doesn’t break after the first few uses).
While it really couldn’t make our bathroom look any worse than it already does and we have the Hello Kitty toilet paper that would match it perfectly, there is always the inconvenient problem that I’m not actually allowed to use the Hello Kitty toilet paper for its intended purpose which pretty much makes the entire gadget useless which pretty much sums up all gadgets in Hello Kitty Hell…
Oh, the irony. For anyone who thought that Hello Kitty wasn’t first and foremost out to make a buck, the following newly released item should put that to rest. Many of you know that there was a Hello Kitty vibrator
It all started back in 1997 when Sanrio gave a license to Genyo Co. to make a number of different Hello Kitty products. They produced all different types of products and one that was approved was a Hello Kitty shoulder massager. This was sent out to gift shops, restaurant chains, and other knick-knack stores and was truly sold as a shoulder massager around Japan initially.
It wasn’t long, however, that some people decided to use the shoulder massagers to massage other areas besides their shoulders. The Hello Kitty shoulder massagers that were being sold at the store down the street began to show up in adult movies. Soon they were also being sold in adult video shops and the sales of the product skyrocketed. Eventually it made its way online to be sold internationally as a “must have” sex toy.
When Sanrio found out that the shoulder massager was being sold as a sex toy, they claimed to be disgusted, especially since the Sanrio name and Hello Kitty character were on it. They immediately contacted Genyo Co. and asked them to stop. The Hello Kitty vibrator had at this point gained cult status and was selling like hotcakes and Genyo Co. had no intention of letting a hugely profitable product be taken off the shelf just because people were using it to stimulate other parts than intended. Sanrio tried to revoke Genyo’s licensing rights, but Genyo refused saying they had a valid license that had been approved and had spent much money developing the product.
The fight between the two companies continued until Genyo Co.’s top officials found themselves in tax trouble for some shady business dealings they were involved with. This gave Sanrio the reason they needed to revoke the license and Sanrio took the “shoulder massagers” off the market. The shoulder massagers that were still in outlets were soon bought up and sold as collector items sometimes reaching over $100 on eBay.
Since Sanrio was supposedly so disgusted and enraged by this “shoulder massager,” you can imagine my surprise when I received an email letting me know that they have revived it – selling it for just over $10 (1260 yen) in the Sanrio Japanese online store:
Oh, but it gets even better. Not satisfied to come out with only the same thing they had in the past, it now is also available in black:
This development of the “shoulder massager” being sold again is especially disturbing to all those that live in Hello Kitty Hell. At the end of the day, that is the last place you want to see Hello Kitty no matter how much pleasure the Hello Kitty fanatic claims that Hello Kitty brings. If this is the type of news the holiday season is going to be bringing me, it’s definitely going to be the most Hello Kitty Hellish one ever…
Thanks to Noa who really should be given some unspeakable torture treatment for even having the thought that letting my wife know these existed was a good idea…
Update: It appears they are available in red and lavender as well:
While all Hello Kitty products make me cringe, there are some that go beyond the normal Hello Kitty Hell cringe and bring actual physical pain to me when I think about them. My head is throbbing just thinking about the newest gadget my wife wants: the Hello Kitty Karaoke machine:
Listening to the Hello Kitty theme song is enough to make any normal human sick, but accompany that with Hello Kitty fanatics singing the song at the top of their lungs in delight, and you pretty much have the worst torture chamber that one could ever imagine. The fact that they will continue to sing the same Hello Kitty theme song over and over again for eternity without any sign of tiring makes it all the worse.
I have no doubt that the people at Sanrio created this specifically to increase the heat in Hello Kitty Hell…
This is the time of year when people begin to take out their winter items. If you live in Hello Kitty Hell, that means having to deal with another year of such items like the Hello Kitty USB lap warmer and Hello Kitty USB foot warmers, but unfortunately things don’t stop there. That is because the evil feline can’t begin a new season without placing her mark on a whole new line for Hello Kitty fanatics to drool over. Thus my wife insists that we need to purchase this Hello Kitty flat space heater:
It’s when my wife start showing me things like this that I wonder if it would just be better to freeze to death…
Earphones seem to be a theme of late. Since Hello Kitty has never found a technology she didn’t like and want to Kittify (actually, as this blog plainly shows, she has never found anything that she wasn’t willing to Kittify), it really came as no surprise when my wife found a Hello Kitty bluetooth wireless earphone set:
At a cost of $135 (15,750 Yen), the worst part isn’t the price, but that Sanrio has decided to advertise these earphones toward males saying that they’re great for listening to music, school courses, the TV and while playing video games. This, of course, gives the Hello Kitty fanatic the right (in her mind) to insist that her significant other absolutely needs the item (because when has Sanrio ever been wrong?). While I must admit that I wouldn’t mind having wireless bluetooth earphones, one plastered with the evil feline would simply be one more thing to add to my Hello Kitty Hell…
Not satisfied with only having the Hello Kitty earphone charms, my wife decided that she needed her headphones to be branded with the omnipresent feline. As is no surprise, she found exactly what she was looking for:
My wife knows that I like music and she got to get me to wear them by telling me the sound was fantastic (yes, I know that if I had even thought about that statement for a split second that I may have saved myself from what was to come. It is impossible for someone who believes the Hello Kitty theme song is good music to have any idea about what good sound is…)
While the event has likely scarred me for life and I’m already showing signs of post traumatic syndrome, I did learn something from the experience. No matter how bad the Hello Kitty theme song sounds over lousy Hello Kitty speakers, it is infinitely worse when wearing Hello Kitty headphones.
Seeing the winces of pain cross my face as I struggled to get the headphones off as quickly as possible before my brain melted, my wife (obviously believing that my contorted facial expressions were some type of appreciation for Hello Kitty) smiled and said, “You should listen to more. You look good wearing Hello Kitty headphones (yeah right – tell me one guy who “looks good” wearing anything Hello Kitty?)
My theory is that the sound waves from the theme song being so close to my ear drums basically have the same effect as an alien probing my brain with sharp objects and no anesthesia or possibly a microwave cooking it into mush. I have no doubt that I’ll need years of therapy to come to terms with the awful experience and the worst part is that it was nothing out of the ordinary for a day in Hello Kitty Hell…
From Patrícia who should have to listen to the Hello Kitty theme song on a daily basis for even thinking of sending these to me…
It didn’t take long for my wife to find something to match her hideously Hello Kitty pimped out cell phone that she is trying to convince me that I need because it comes with a “blog” function (whatever that means, but it is how they are advertising it) and since I write this blog about Hello Kitty (even though it’s anti Hello Kitty) my wife thinks it would be a good idea if I used this Hello Kitty digital camera (Fuji Film FinePix Z5) to take photos for this blog:
Of course, the actual quality of the camera is of secondary importance to my wife. She just cares that it has Hello Kitty on the front made from Swarovski crystal beads and that the Z5 lights up in the dark. Nor does it bother her that it costs just over $500 (57,750 yen) as long as Hello Kitty adorns the outside.
Hello Kitty Hell will certainly reach a new level if I have to travel around Japan taking photos for my blogs with this camera bling…