onezero – Page 68 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Rocks!

March 10, 2008 by onezero

It’s all right. Settle down and catch your breath. I know you read that headline and just about had a heart attack thinking that I had finally completely lost it. I’m sure you pictured me having been taken away in a Hello Kitty straight jacket to spend the rest of my life knocking my head against Hello Kitty themed padded walls (which is undoubtedly coming soon). No, in reality you once again failed to realize the utterly ridiculous levels Hello Kitty will go to sell her image. The headline is unfortunately literally accurate — The evil feline is now selling hand painted rocks that are done in her image:

Just when you believe that Sanrio can’t possible think of a more completely useless product than the Hello Kitty banana cover, they go and do this. Can Hello Kitty dirt be far behind? Or possibly a Hello Kitty slingshot to add to the ever growing arsenal of Hello Kitty weapons.

Of course, my wife absolutely loves these. Upon seeing them, the ever present “this is so cute” came with an overly elongated “soooooo” that is a unbreakable secret code that Hello Kitty fanatics use to determine exactly where in the overall scheme of Hello Kitty each product ranks.

You know how this came about. Someone at Sanrio said, “Hey, remember years ago when the pet rock was all the rage? Why don’t we make a Hello Kitty pet rock?” Now, at any other corporation in the world, that person would have been fired the next day, but in the world of Hello Kitty, that person has been promoted to a management position. Which simply means that more stuff like this will continue to flood the market for Hello Kitty fanatics and continue to move my Hello Kitty Hell to new depths…

Sent in by Adora who deserves to have to spend her life painting rocks in the image of Hello Kitty and then have them thrown at her for thinking that sending this to me could be a good idea in any way, shape or form.

Update: Apparently the evil feline didn’t feel that painted rocks were enough and found a way to put her likeness into a natural Hello Kitty stone:

Left by @chefpandita on Twitter

Hello Kitty Fashion Show Video

March 8, 2008 by onezero

There is not much in this world that I would consider a worse form of torture and torment than having to sit through something like this Hello Kitty fashion show:

While my wife would view attending something like this close to heaven, I think I would need to carry around the sack full of the Hello Kitty barf bags just to make it through the first few minutes. It’s painful enough having to watch it on a video, let alone imagining what it would be like attending live. Of course, my wife is already frantically searching to see if there are other Hello Kitty fashion shows planned for the future — which means that my life could soon dive much, much deeper into Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by kttops who really deserves an extra special horrifying punishment for 1) making me sit through that video 2) upon seeing it, convincing my wife that not seeing a Hello Kitty fashion show will mean her life has somehow lost all its meaning 3) Thinking for even a fraction of a second that it would be a good idea to send me something like this…

Hello Kitty Comic Strip

March 7, 2008 by onezero

Yep, this sums Hello Kitty up pretty damn well…

I know that they have Hello Kitty ash trays and Hello Kitty Zippo lighters, so Hello Kitty cigarettes really aren’t that much of a stretch – Sanrio probably already has them in the production pipeline and they will undoubtedly come with substances that produce further Hello Kitty addictive behavior. One more thing to dread that will only increase my Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Jon, who deserves a beer from me if we ever meet for showing Hello Kitty for who she is so well…

Hello Kitty Dracula Vampire Tattoo

March 6, 2008 by onezero

Although I find it quite disturbing that Hello Kitty tattoos exist at all, the sheer number of Hello Kitty tattoos that are out there (and even more frighteningly, get sent to me) takes disturbing to a whole other level. The latest in this line of disturbing body art is the Hello Kitty Dracula tattoo:

I don’t understand what the fascination is with combining Hello Kitty with something else as a tattoo (then of course, I don’t understand combining Hello Kitty with anything, or merely Hello Kitty in herself, so I guess that makes it all a moot point anyway…) All I can say is that this tattoo is somewhat appropriate with the mix since Hello Kitty’s main goal is to suck the lifeblood of all those who happen to live with a Hello Kitty fanatic…

Of course, my wife loves it and has added it to her growing collection of tattoos that she wants (it’s now simply a matter of time before I come home to find her first tattoo which will undoubtedly lead to her entire body covered in tattoos of the evil feline). That is something that is not being looked forward to in Hello Kitty Hell at all…

Sent in by jasmine who deserves to have a Hello Kitty Dracula suck all the blood from her body for even thinking for a split second that sending this to me could ever be a good idea…

Update: When it rains, it pours…Brian (of Hello Kitty Jesus tattoo and Hello Kitty Darth Vader tattoo fame) has also recently done a Hello Kitty vampire tattoo:

Hello Kitty Volkswagen Bug (for sale)

March 5, 2008 by onezero

It seems that the Hello Kitty VW bug that I mentioned earlier is currently up for auction on eBay:

Of course, upon seeing this my wife wanted us to buy immediately buy it. While the mere fact that Hello Kitty Hell exists pretty much is proof that no God exists, some higher being was looking down upon me in that the Hello Kitty bug is located in Australia so that she can’t get it. I’ll take anything I can get when living in Hello Kitty Hell…

Sent in by Katherine who deserves unthinkable punishment for scaring me to death in thinking that we might have such a car in our driveway for the few minutes it took me to realize it wasn’t in Japan or the US…

Hello Kitty Face Mask

March 3, 2008 by onezero

I don’t get colds. I refuse. I take extra precautions to the point of obsession. This has absolutely nothing to do with fear of germs or being compulsive about cleanliness, but every thing to do with the torture and humiliation I have to endure if I do ever catch a cold.

Thus is was with great regret that I actually caught my first cold in years this past week which basically is the worst thing that can happen in the world if you live in Hello Kitty Hell. It’s not the stuffy nose, sore throat or headache that is bad — those are merely minor symptoms compared to the pain and embarrassment of having to roam around with a Hello Kitty face mask:

In Japan, you wear these when you have a cold so that you don’t give your cold to other people. I have absolutely no problem with this concept except when Hello Kitty is plastered on the front of the face mask. It is just so wrong in so many ways when a 6 foot 3 inch foreigner wanders the streets of Japan with a Hello Kitty face mask on and it isn’t only me that sees it this way. You can see the sheer terror in the eyes of the Japanese when they see me, undoubtedly believing that I’m going to hack them to pieces at any moment because that is the type of crazy foreigner that would actually wear a Hello Kitty face mask.

My wife, of course, thinks that it’s the cutest thing ever to the point where she wants to walk around town together with matching Hello Kitty face masks on. She says that it is good practice for when the bird flu arrives and I may have to spend months wearing these Hello Kitty face masks. Somehow dying from the bird flu doesn’t sound all that bad when looking at the alternative of living…

This means that for the next week I have the choice of being cooped up in our house with no escape from the Hello Kitty Hellishness that is somehow still referred to as our house (although it really looks more like the worst pink nightmare that you could ever imagine) or I must venture out to endure the extreme humiliation that would be considered cruel and unusual torture if forced upon any enemy combatants during a time of war. Alas, this is a common dilemma when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Kitty Bedroom

March 2, 2008 by onezero

Receiving emails with Hello Kitty photos attached is disturbing in itself, but even more disturbing is the trend of people sending me photos of their personal Hello Kitty stuff:

Here is a simple question. Why in the world would I want to look at your Hello Kitty crap when I already have to spend the entire day looking at all my wife’s Hello Kitty crap? For all those that keep sending me photos of their Hello Kitty stuff, please be clear about the following:

1. No matter how Hello Kittified your room, house or life is, it’s still paltry compared to my wife.

2. I realize that it bothers you to no end that there is someone out there that has more Hello Kitty stuff than you, but I’m not going to send you photos of all my wife’s Hello Kitty crap so that you can see how much further you have to go to top her.

3. I will not go through the list of Hello Kitty things that you send to me and tell you which ones my wife has and which ones she doesn’t. I would rather go to the dentist and have a root canal performed without any anesthesia than do something like that.

4. I could really care less how much time it has taken you to lay out all your Hello Kitty crap so that you could take a photo of it to send to me. Instead of whining that your effort should get the photo posted on this blog, save yourself time and me the horror of seeing it and just don’t do it.

5. While you may think it would be fun to be the penfriend of some guy that bashes on Hello Kitty on a regular basis, the thought of that is one of my worst nightmares so please stop asking.

6. While you may think that I’m a complete (insert expletive of choice here) because I don’t use your photos on this blog or write back to you when you email me, think of this as me actually being kind. If I did either, you would be even more offended.

7. Your 1000 word essays to me on why Hello Kitty is great is a waste of both your time and mine. In fact, I read the first 2 sentences (if that much) and then hit delete.

8. Yes, I realize that there are other Sanrio characters that exist. No, I’m not going to make a blog about them, too, because you want me to “find obscure photos of these characters so you don’t have to spend all your time looking for them.” And no, I’m not going to send you another email explaining in more detail than my previous answer of simply stating “No” — which, if I might say, I thought was quite generous on my part to even reply with that.

9. No, I am not willing to help you find some Hello Kitty crap that you have been searching for for the last 10 years even if it isn’t listed on this blog. Since I’ve already made it clear that I’m not going to tell you where you can get the Hello Kitty crap on this site, I thought that this would be obvious, but apparently I still underestimate the common sense of Hello Kitty fanatics.

10. Your offer to send nude photos of you and your friends in exchange to find out where you can buy some of the crap on this blog, while inventive, would leave me on the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag even longer than when I say bad things about Hello Kitty — therefore it’s not an acceptable trade no matter how beautiful you think you are.

Unfortunately, these are a typical monthly round of emails when you live in Hello Kitty Hell…

Photo sent in by Cangela11 who, among all the others who have contributed to the above list, deserves unthinkable torture for believing that it could in any way, shape or form be a good idea to send any of their photos or emails to me…

Hello Kitty Polski Fiat Car

March 1, 2008 by onezero

I have long learned that it is never a good idea to open my email in the morning if I have been drinking the night before. Seeing Hello Kitty emails is bad enough, but viewing Hello Kitty emails with a hangover is just about the worst way to wake up in the morning. Lately, however, just opening the emails with the evil feline inside seems to bring on the same feeling as the worst hangover could. I know for sure that it’s never good to get up in the morning and open up your email to find a Pepto Bismol colored monstrocity like this facing you — the Hello Kitty Polski Fiat:

Here is the difference between a normal person and a Hello Kitty fanatic. While my head is spinning and I feel an intense headache coming on, the only thing I’m thinking is, “Why in the world would anyone want to ride around in something like that?” At the same moment, my wife is cheery as the sun with a huge smile on her face saying, “That is sooooo cute. Don’t you think we should get something like that?” Of course, all this leads me to believe I should have gotten extremely drunk last night if I’m going to have to spend the day feeling like I have an hangover anyway…

The only good thing I can say about this is that the quality seems to give a good representation of how most Hello Kitty goods are made. Apparently in the past cars under licence of the Italian car maker FIAT were manufactured or assembled in Poland. I’m told that these cars are referred to as the Polski Fiat (literally in English: the Polish Fiat) which was considered a Polish car brand.

Sent in by Yocoo who took the photos in Miskolc, Hungary which in itself brings up some disturbing trends: 1) People are actually taking photos for the sole purpose of sending them to me and 2) People all over the world are now sending me random Hello Kitty photos. Of course, both of these in addition to even thinking that it would be a good idea to send me something like this means that she should have to drive around in a car like this for the rest of her life or something similarly as torturous…

Hello Kitty Bikini Plush Nightmare

February 27, 2008 by onezero

Damn, just damn (shakes head, tries to push image out of mind, feels ice-cream type headache invade brain and no matter what is attempted, the image won’t go away…)

I know that part of living in Hello Kitty Hell is the risk that something will show up in my email that will traumatize me for the rest of the day. On occasion the photo will traumatize me for the week. If it is really horrible, it may traumatize me for a month. I think this one is going to traumatize me for the rest of my life:

There isn’t much that crosses my computer screen these days that makes me jump back in my chair so that it topples over backwards and I instantly want to sear my eyes with hot branding irons, but this did. Damn…someone tell me how I can make this image go away…

Sent in my Lauren who should have to stare at this photo every morning for the rest of her life before she starts her day for thinking for an instant that sending me this photo could ever be a good idea…

Hello Kitty Hitler

February 26, 2008 by onezero

Hmmmmmmm…an email sent to me tonight:

ok, first off, i love your blog. when i first found it i kept reading it until about seven in the morning, i started at nine. i can’t get enough of it and it has awakened me to the hellish nightmare that lives under the white outer coating of that evil cat. i had no idea till now. and the way you write about it is amazing and is probably one of the biggest reasons i come back everyday to read it, yet…

i couldn’t help but wonder what kind of justice there is in the world that would allow someone as hilarious and amazing as you to suffer through this kind of eternal torment. I’ve studied medieval tortures and would gladly volunteer for any of those than live in one day of your life. i thought about it for a long time to understand why you are made to suffer so horrendous a punishment each and everyday of your life, and i think i finally found it. its a two part theory.

1. Hindus’ were right
2. your the reincarnation of Hitler

it sounds crazy but it is the only concept i could think of to explain this phenomenon. a good witty person who hasn’t done anyone any harm living through a torture worse than damnation on a daily basis, and even when he sleeps (hello kitty sleeping bag or ((I’m assuming your wife has them)) hello kitty sheets) the only possible way you could possibly deserve this punishment would be by being the most evil creature in existence, and Satan has his own hell plus was never born, so Hitler! there is no other possible explanation i could possibly come up with. it sucks dude but i think you were Hitler. but remember its just a theory (one that helps justify my need to laugh at your suffering.) say hello to the hell cat for me

~ghost

p.s. the other genius about this idea is that the hello kitty fanatics that read your site won’t help but be able to agree with this and say your Hitler (because they need to justify how you couldn’t like the stupid hell cat) but by doing so also admit that hello kitty is the worst form of punishment and torture imaginable. and if by some chance they decide not to jump on this chance then hey, at least there is someone who has it worse out there than you. either way you win!

I know that I live in Hello Kitty Hell when I’m actually in a good mood and have a smile on my face after being called the reincarnation of Hitler because of the simple fact that the email didn’t come with an image of the evil feline attached…

Update: Of course, this lack of attachments with the evil feline couldn’t last. I log on today with 7 emails from various readers (there are obvioulsly way too many people with too much time on their hands for thinking to even search for something like this and then to email it to me) with the following image attached: