Strange – Page 38 – Hello Kitty Hell

Hello Kitty Zombie Tattoo II

November 28, 2007 by onezero

Every time I get a new Hello Kitty tattoo sent to me, I naively think that the number of people who would ever consider doing something like that has been exhausted and no others will show up in my email box. Especially when I get one that is like the Hello Kitty zombie tattoo, I figure that there would not be any need for an alternative Hello Kitty zombie tattoo (isn’t a single Hello Kitty zombie tattoo enough?) Obviously, this is the hopeful delusions of someone stuck in Hello Kitty Hell because we all know that Hello Kitty is never satisfied with something until she has made a million versions. So it really shouldn’t have surprised me that a new Hello kitty zombie tattoo showed up in my email:

I would have pretty much determined that all these Hello Kitty tattoos are the sign of the Apocalypse being right around the corner except for the fact that we all know that Sanrio would be making Apocalypse Hello Kitty items in celebration of the event if it were that close at hand. You know it won’t be long before someone comes forward with a full body Hello Kitty tattoo and my ultimate fear is that it’s going to be my wife. It just shows that the evil feline can continue to drive my Hello Kitty Hell into deeper depths no matter how low she has ventured in the past.

Sent in by Andi who should have to get this tattoo (and all the others) for ever thinking it was a good idea to send this to me…

Hello Kitty Electronic Toilet Paper Dispenser

November 25, 2007 by onezero

Once again, Sanrio and Hello Kitty provide another items that instantly becomes a front-runner for the most useless product in the world. Of course, this makes no difference to my wife that has her heart set on one of these Hello Kitty electronic toilet paper dispensers for Christmas:

In classic Hello Kitty sales pitch style, the advertising copy trumps the low cost of using this device which only uses $1 a year in power to operate. Of course, that savings has little meaning when the unit itself costs approximately $220 (24,000 yen) which Hello Kitty seems to have conveniently forgotten while explaining how energy efficient the gadget is. And what do you get for that $220? The Hello Kitty toilet paper dispenser can be pre-program so that your exact favorite length of toilet paper will appear when pressing the button. That’s right. You can choose one of nine different length settings (each 20 centimeters difference) so that you never have more or less toilet paper than you really want for $220 and $1 a year in energy costs (if the thing doesn’t break after the first few uses).

While it really couldn’t make our bathroom look any worse than it already does and we have the Hello Kitty toilet paper that would match it perfectly, there is always the inconvenient problem that I’m not actually allowed to use the Hello Kitty toilet paper for its intended purpose which pretty much makes the entire gadget useless which pretty much sums up all gadgets in Hello Kitty Hell…

Hello Hellish Kitty

November 20, 2007 by onezero

On a very rare occasion, I come across something Hello Kitty that I actually like. On these days I have to stop, pinch myself to make sure I’m not dreaming, then put on just enough of a smile that my wife can’t discern whether I’m smiling or critically analyzing the evil feline in question. When these acceptable Hello Kitties come along, they almost are always something that reveals the true Hello Kitty:

wife: “Are you smiling?!?”

me: “No, I’m critically analyzing it…” (beaming with pleasure inside)

wife: “Why would someone do something like that?”

me: “hmmmmm…” (trying to keep the laughs from bursting out)

wife: “Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth. She could never take a bite like that!”

me: “hmmmmm…” (wondering if Hello Kitty doesn’t have a mouth, why do I have to always listen to her sing her theme song…but letting it quickly pass to concentrate on the joy of the drawing more)

wife: “This is really disgusting and wrong!” (beginning to get angry)

me: “hmmmmm…” (enjoying the drawing even more as time passes)

wife: “Aren’t you offended by this?!”

me: “hmmmmmmm…” (thinking: “not in the least bit”)

wife: “Are you sure you aren’t smiling?!?”

me: “No, I’m critically analyzing it…”

It’s nice to see that there are others that can see the true Hello Kitty for what she really is. I actually think I felt a chill in Hello Kitty Hell…

Left by Alyssa in the comments – who I owe a beer if we ever meet for actually showing me something Hello Kitty that I could enjoy…

Condoms

November 12, 2007 by onezero

You knew that they would show up eventually, but who knew they would be in the form of lollipops? Hello Kitty condoms:

These are a quite disturbing development for reasons that should be obvious to anyone, but since Hello Kitty fanatics don’t usually follow the rules when it comes to the obvious, I will expound on this a bit.

1. The last place I want to see Hello Kitty when I look down is there. In fact, just the thought of something like that occurring is sending shivers down my spine…

2. While putting anything on related to Hello Kitty goes against my better judgement, putting on something that’s Hello Kitty there goes well beyond any Hello Kitty Hell I can even imagine.

3. I really can’t think of anything that would be quite as unmanly as having your significant other compliment how cute “it” looks with a Hello Kitty condom wrapped around it (which is the likely reaction of a Hello Kitty fanatic).

4. When a guy puts a condom on, he pretty much has a single thought on his mind. This does not include putting on different Hello Kitty condoms as if it were a fashion show.

5. Having to stop multiple times in the middle of doing it because the Hello Kitty fanatic wants to see “how cute it is” again and again pretty much would take the joy and pleasure out of the evening.

6. Being sent to the couch in the Hello Kitty sleeping bag because I wasn’t enthusiastic enough about this newest Hello Kitty item would pretty much top off the way I would expect the evening to end.

As you can see, the existence of Hello Kitty condoms is pretty much a nightmare for any guy that has a relationship with a Hello Kitty fanatic and something that definitely is going to cause the fires in Hello Kitty Hell to reach new levels…

Sent in by betty who deserves punishment far worse than even I can imagine, for even thinking that showing my wife the existence of these could in any way be a good idea…

Update: More Hello Kitty condoms:

Sent in by Aurora

Flavored condoms:

Sent in by Dave

Hello Kitty Fanatic Changes Middle Name to "Hello Kitty"

November 9, 2007 by onezero

Hello Kitty fanatics scare me. They scare me for a couple of reasons beyond the obvious that they are way too fanatical about Hello Kitty. First, they try to outdo one another. That is, they each believe that they are the most fanatical Hello Kitty fan and thus will do crazy things to prove that point. In much the same way that no matter how bad your think that Sanrio can get with Hello Kitty products, Hello Kitty fanatics always manage to find a way to do something insane to top one another.

Secondly, if they see another Hello Kitty fanatic has done something that they believe may make it look like that person is in the slightest bit more of a Hello Kitty fanatic than they are, they have to match and beat it. For the significant other, this ensures that Hello Kitty Hell continues to be a downward spiral into depths unknown. We live daily with the fear that some Hello Kitty fanatic is going to do something that will literally trigger all Hello Kitty Hell to break loose.

Today was one of those days when this arrived in my email:

Yes, you read that correctly. This person has officially changed her middle name to “Hello Kitty” and as soon as my wife saw that, you could see the gears start cranking inside her head: “Wouldn’t that be a great thing to do?!? Think about it. If I change my name officially to Hello Kitty, then you can call me that everyday.”

Yes, and as that thought entered and solidified in my mind, I made a quick dash for the bathroom to relieve everything that I had eaten for dinner. Living in a house full of stuff covered with the evil feline is one thing, having to address your wife by the same namesake is taking things to a completely different dimension.

My only saving grace is that making such a change in Japan is nearly impossible, but I truly fear that my wife will figure out a way to do it. If that day ever comes, Hello Kitty Hell will certainly have moved to an entirely new level…

Sent in by Jo (whose significant other is free to write guest posts for this blog at any time) who deserves punishment well beyond anything that can be humanly conceived for even the thought of giving an idea like this to my wife…

Hello Kitty Douche

November 8, 2007 by onezero

Because there is absolutely nothing that the evil feline won’t Hello Kittify (and some things that are just too “wtf” for anyone but the people at Sanrio to think of), may I introduce you to the Hello Kitty douche:

There are not many Hello Kitty products that leave me speechless, but this is one of them. Seriously, what else really is there to say?

From Laisa in the comments who gets a pass just because there aren’t many Hello Kitty products that can leave someone living in Hello Kitty Hell with nothing to say…

Hello Kitty Underwear

November 7, 2007 by onezero

While I find everything Hello Kitty disturbing, there are some things that turn up the disturbed barometer a bit more than others. I’m still having trouble figuring out if this Hello Kitty underwear that Sanrio is producing in multiple patterns is for boys or girls:

In either case, they are just plain wrong. And a closer look tells you just how wrong they are. What exactly is Hello Kitty trying to sell here?

Yes, you read that correctly. This is Hello Kitty kid’s underwear with “Juicy and Sweet” right across the crotch and the question “Want a bite?” directly above. I’m not too sure how appropriate that is for adult underwear, let alone children’s. Then again, it doesn’t seem like Sanrio is having much of a problem selling adult themed products masquerading as something else these days…

Vibrator Reborn

November 4, 2007 by onezero

Oh, the irony. For anyone who thought that Hello Kitty wasn’t first and foremost out to make a buck, the following newly released item should put that to rest. Many of you know that there was a Hello Kitty vibrator that was made about 10 years back, but had been discontinued. Most people are aware of the history of the shoulder massagers, but in case you aren’t, here are the basics:

It all started back in 1997 when Sanrio gave a license to Genyo Co. to make a number of different Hello Kitty products. They produced all different types of products and one that was approved was a Hello Kitty shoulder massager. This was sent out to gift shops, restaurant chains, and other knick-knack stores and was truly sold as a shoulder massager around Japan initially.

It wasn’t long, however, that some people decided to use the shoulder massagers to massage other areas besides their shoulders. The Hello Kitty shoulder massagers that were being sold at the store down the street began to show up in adult movies. Soon they were also being sold in adult video shops and the sales of the product skyrocketed. Eventually it made its way online to be sold internationally as a “must have” sex toy.

When Sanrio found out that the shoulder massager was being sold as a sex toy, they claimed to be disgusted, especially since the Sanrio name and Hello Kitty character were on it. They immediately contacted Genyo Co. and asked them to stop. The Hello Kitty vibrator had at this point gained cult status and was selling like hotcakes and Genyo Co. had no intention of letting a hugely profitable product be taken off the shelf just because people were using it to stimulate other parts than intended. Sanrio tried to revoke Genyo’s licensing rights, but Genyo refused saying they had a valid license that had been approved and had spent much money developing the product.

The fight between the two companies continued until Genyo Co.’s top officials found themselves in tax trouble for some shady business dealings they were involved with. This gave Sanrio the reason they needed to revoke the license and Sanrio took the “shoulder massagers” off the market. The shoulder massagers that were still in outlets were soon bought up and sold as collector items sometimes reaching over $100 on eBay.

Since Sanrio was supposedly so disgusted and enraged by this “shoulder massager,” you can imagine my surprise when I received an email letting me know that they have revived it – selling it for just over $10 (1260 yen) in the Sanrio Japanese online store:

Oh, but it gets even better. Not satisfied to come out with only the same thing they had in the past, it now is also available in black:

This development of the “shoulder massager” being sold again is especially disturbing to all those that live in Hello Kitty Hell. At the end of the day, that is the last place you want to see Hello Kitty no matter how much pleasure the Hello Kitty fanatic claims that Hello Kitty brings. If this is the type of news the holiday season is going to be bringing me, it’s definitely going to be the most Hello Kitty Hellish one ever…

Thanks to Noa who really should be given some unspeakable torture treatment for even having the thought that letting my wife know these existed was a good idea…

Update: It appears they are available in red and lavender as well:

Hello Kitty WoW Halloween

November 3, 2007 by onezero

If you thought the Hello Kitty World of Warcraft user interface was as bad as it could get, Hello Kitty once again proves that it’s always possible to get worse. Thus we find that Hello Kitty is now providing holiday themed Hello Kitty Wow user interfaces:

This is what makes Hello Kitty so annoying. Not only does she Kittify everything in her path, once she has Kittified it so you think it can never get worse, she’s really only just begun — and that when the different themes start arriving. Is there really any doubt that we will be seeing a Hello Kitty World of Warcraft Christmas theme in the future? Makes you want to run to the bathroom just thinking about it, doesn’t it?

Sent in by grace via Joi’s Flickr Photos, who should have to play all her games with a Hello Kitty theme for the rest of her life for extending my Halloween horror another day and thinking it could be a good idea in any way for me to see this…

Hello Kitty Halloween Costume II

November 2, 2007 by onezero

It was bound to happen. Thinking that I could finally leave the Hello Kitty nightmare of Halloween (costumes and pumpkins) behind and begin to concentrate on what travesties Hello Kitty Christmas has in store for me, Hello Kitty fanatics would have none of that. One felt it was necessary to send me another Hello Kitty homemade Halloween costume:

Here is a little advice to remember whenever you have a costume to wear.

1. If your main objective is to make men run away from you screaming in terror, this is the perfect costume for you to wear.

2. If your main objective is to humiliate your partner to no end, this is the costume to wear.

3. If your main objective is to get yourself labeled as a Hello Kitty fanatic, this is the costume to wear.

4. If you want to live a relatively normal life and not traumatize the people you love, this is not the costume to wear.

I would have thought that showing photos of people placing these Hello Kitty heads on cats and dogs would have been enough to send the hint that they also would not be very fashionable on humans, but alas, I once again have greatly underestimated the fashion sense of Hello Kitty fanatics…

Sent in by Rachel who should have to wear that thing around every day of the year for thinking it was a good idea to send the photo to me.